Friday, January 07, 2011


2011 didnt start off as well as i would have wanted it to be. Quarreling with my mum on New Year's Day was retarded yet amusing at the same time due to the nature of it but what the heck, some things never will change.

This week will probably be the lowest i have ever felt in camp. Indirectly causing 2 cadets to lose their way and hence eliminating any possibility of them attaining the timing required for their CSB 32km however little their chance was already to begin with left me feeling very guilty and sorry for myself. In retrospect, there was so much more i could have done. I could have doubled back to their position instead of choosing to wait at the junction after the supposed straight road. I could have briefed fabian clearly of the route before rushing off to tend to those in the middle. It didnt matter that their timings were already hovering at the borderline and they were definitely not going to pass. Fact remains it was deeply unprofessional that they were allowed to holan. To receive a call from boss to tell me what to do, something that he has never done before did my confidence and my already immense guilt no good. To further compound the misery i forgot about a meeting and went home, becoming the only one absent.

Yesterday was not much better. At the end of 10 weeks, as opposed to the affirmation from the higher-ups that the team is doing a good job to motivate us for the next phase, what we got was a snide remark that suggests WE CAUSED A LACK OF INTEREST AMONGST THE CADETS IN CONTINUING IN FA FOR SPECIALISATION. I cant blame my guys for feeling demoralised, i cant blame them for feeling aggrieved with a deep sense of injustice cause even i cant see how i can go on knowing how little faith your boss have in the team.

I see the cracks within the team too. I found out to my horror how mch resentment there is to certain people within the team. I wont be surprised if i too were the victim subjected to the bitching if i were not there. Intructorship wasnt supposed to be this tough. It takes alot for me to concede that something might actually beyond me but as it is, the damage is irreparable, to me at least.

Oh well, may the subsequent weeks be better.

Twistin' at 6:19 AM