Thursday, January 21, 2010

I dont want to lead a unit life, i just want to lead a cadet life

This past week has passed pretty quickly and after staying in for 2 nights in camp for various reasons(no i didnt get extras, it was voluntary), its Friday tomorrow!

A couple of things happened to me this week, some good and some bad. After waiting for almost 2 months, i have finally gotten replies from my UK applications. I got accepted by UCL but rejected by LSE. I cant say I am entirely happy though i must stress that getting a place in UCL is still a definite cause for joy. My hotel has been booked but i am still lacking the plane ticket. Sime Darby seems a lost cause. Evidently the brain detoriation is far more severe than expected but in any case this will go under the 'failed attempts' section in my life.

Basically what all this means is that an army scholarship is my last decent chance of getting that ticket overseas. I dont really see a point trying for all other scholarships but not liking the job and the army career is one damn bloody good prospect i cant seem to overlook in deciding my career although i will probably leave this August if i get offered which is a prospect my mum is finding hard to take. Sadly too, the past few days have been tough in unit for me. Seeing commanders who cant seem to be decisive is one thing. But to say that the welfare of the men is important when you want the guys to stay in next week with toilets that are as damaged as Lord Voldermot's soul(attempted nerd joke) with fans that dont work. You must be fucking joking seriously. And you wonder why the unit is doing so poorly.

'You so good you go do the job lah'. Most will say that. I cant deny though that I have no confidence in handling things any better in his position. But nonetheless, surely there is a need to explain why a 14 days SOL is reasonable enough a punishment from their perspective for a first time latecomer and not get US to do the dirty work for you. To let the men feel that WE do not do anthing to help them. Why not come down for once and really explain things. OCS has clouded our minds. It has clouded mine too. Now after experiencing unit life, I feel disguntled with the system. I feel irritated having to be in an environment where I cant do shit. Its tough when you are one with so much ambition, one who dreams so much on how to help his men and to inspire them having none under his charge at all. Its an utter joke to be honest. It doesnt make me any happier to hear that my upper study had so much free time that the men all felt he did nothing. It definitely does my confidence no good that each time when they come to ask me to make a decision, i have to say go ask QM because he is the one with the rights as the department head, not me. To put things really crudely, my job can be done pretty dam easily by a 3SG or perhaps even a CPL.

I had a talk with my AO the day before about this and he told me but isnt this why people choose to sign on? To want to change a seemingly ineffective system and to truely be the difference that their officer couldnt be. I have heard my fair share of inspirational stories and how if you can change the life of one of your men, you have done a good job etc. I really want to be like that but i find myself in a situation where the desire far exceeds the possibility. I cant do too much or say too much because much of this should be done by the department head. The battle between my own ego and the need to respect the proper hierachy is one that is constantly being fought within. I am glad however that the QM is a friend of mine from SOL, one whom i pretty respect even during my cadet days. It has made things much easier that he understands who I am and how i function and how he always tries to include me in the know although to be very rigid about jobscopes, he neednt do so. I am thankful for that.

I am going for ULOC at a much better place next week and the prospect is pretty exciting. To see the familiar faces is a much better deal than having to only bring bad news to the men each day before RO. 3 weeks is a lot of time, many thigns can change and I pray that things will turn for the better once i return back to KTSC.

Twistin' at 5:23 AM