Friday, December 26, 2008

the life of a victorian IV

For me the 2nd half of the year of 2007 wasn't at all great. In fact it sucked. For one we had exams and i am unable to bring myself to dont study for an exam. Yes i deserve the model student award for placing importance on all examinations. So with the horrors of the almost month long O'level examinations rather fresh in my mind still, i had to cope with mid years partly to keep my scholarship cause i needed to pass everything to do so.

I remember how i was being such an oversensitive retard like some girl and making so much out of nothing and in the process had the first fight. I remembered how a simple CIP became such a day to remember. But eventually things became better so it was all happy once again. Although thinking back, i was really such a lame shit ass retard like more than the usual retard i can be.

One of the highs for me was definitely Renaissance GOLD. For me, band was my life. i ate band shit band talked band for 4 great years and i missed playing my trumpet so much it was like denying drug addicts their crack. So when the chance came to play for the alumni there was no hesitation. Because of the night pracs i dunno how many times i got scolded by my parents because in my previous 17 years of existance, reaching home after 10 on a school night was ridiculous and unthinkable. So yes 9 out of 10 practices i received numerous phone calls on the bus home to ask me where i was. i dont deny, i was bloody pissed and irritated.

But it was all worth it. Playing in the NUS cultural centre on that day and with our good ole conductor leading us. it felt like the golden years of SJIMB all over again. I was back in my familiar seat on the extreme end of the stage left. We played badly but heck we all had fun. Caught up with the batchmates and my desire to be back in SJI and not in JC got even stronger.

The highlight of my june hols though other than the pleasant mugging was definitely CLIC camp.It started off cool enough as i got to know another wayne,phoebe,ming hwei,yee jek,benjamin,may and the first few days were definitely fun with all the games and all. then may and phoebe sorta left for lit trip and for the bash night which was supposed to be the highlight of the entire camp, became kinda booring. we lost the 2 most self high girls u can find and our skit was pretty sucky although i must admit most of the lame stuff was my idea.haha.nevertheless i got to know more people through the camp which was the intention of the camp and i left the camp knowing how to be a better leader.

At the same time, council was becoming intense because of open house. Suddenly i was so busy. i began to struggle to catch up tutorials. I started to read notes and not get them the first time. I actually struggled with Maths. I made the biggest mistake in my life and tried for UCLES Maths H3 and got owned like a sad noob. I learned absolutely nothing and i think it was partly because i did not bother to make the effort. I remembered just wasting time there talking rubbish with Shane.

Then to add more shit to the shit pile i was already in my mum found out why i made more detours after school and the scolding she gave me made me feel so guilty i really wanted to die. with the weight of expectations on my shoulders, i knew i could not afford to screw up my life which equated to A levels at that point of time. This burdon would continue to be on my shoulders throughout my J2 life.

Being the inexperienced noob i was, the best way to solve anything is to avoid. Thinking back, i was really such a huge bastard that i deserved to be stoned on the streets for doing what i did. I was facing some retarded internal struggle which not many would experience. The guilt became even more immense when i found out that i got over it rather easily when a new crush came my way. I could not tell anyone this because i was really such an asshole. it did not help when i stared to find the wide disparity in personalities which made it so much easier to get over.

It was on XD's birthday party when i finally told a friend about this. He tried to console me but i know deep down i was at fault. For the next 5 months i did not tell a single soul about it.I never discussed the issue with that friend ever again. I just wanted it to go away. I was so distracted by this admittedly at that time that i had no mood to study for promos and of all my exams, my promo results were the worst in my JC life.

Till today, one of my greatest regrets will be not patching things up fully with you. The friendship that was lost because of this is something i know will never be salvaged. Sure we had talks and all but the level of friendship we enjoy now will never be close to half of the closeness we used to share even if only as good friends.

In a way i was glad when school hols came about. i was gonna be off to china for a month away from everyone and when you dont see you dont feel. I am so glad that i spent almost my entire hols, the times when i was in singapore with wg and javier. we went out on crazy frequencies of 3-4 times a week. plus the almost daily msn convos and gb sessions which became a neccissity to fill that childish void in us, i cant count the number of days we did not interact during the hols. I am glad for having them because they are the 2 dudes who can make me laugh so much and really enjoy spending so much time with.

I recall the random emo posts on my blog last year during school hols and how truely stupid i felt for feeling the way i did. but i was determined never to show how i felt in person.

i was determined to start of 2008 much better and not be distracted by anything other than my bid for 5 As. and i entered 2008 on a rather happy note having spent a quality christmas with my friends and had parties which i enjoyed so much.

Twistin' at 10:13 PM