Thursday, January 21, 2010

I dont want to lead a unit life, i just want to lead a cadet life

This past week has passed pretty quickly and after staying in for 2 nights in camp for various reasons(no i didnt get extras, it was voluntary), its Friday tomorrow!

A couple of things happened to me this week, some good and some bad. After waiting for almost 2 months, i have finally gotten replies from my UK applications. I got accepted by UCL but rejected by LSE. I cant say I am entirely happy though i must stress that getting a place in UCL is still a definite cause for joy. My hotel has been booked but i am still lacking the plane ticket. Sime Darby seems a lost cause. Evidently the brain detoriation is far more severe than expected but in any case this will go under the 'failed attempts' section in my life.

Basically what all this means is that an army scholarship is my last decent chance of getting that ticket overseas. I dont really see a point trying for all other scholarships but not liking the job and the army career is one damn bloody good prospect i cant seem to overlook in deciding my career although i will probably leave this August if i get offered which is a prospect my mum is finding hard to take. Sadly too, the past few days have been tough in unit for me. Seeing commanders who cant seem to be decisive is one thing. But to say that the welfare of the men is important when you want the guys to stay in next week with toilets that are as damaged as Lord Voldermot's soul(attempted nerd joke) with fans that dont work. You must be fucking joking seriously. And you wonder why the unit is doing so poorly.

'You so good you go do the job lah'. Most will say that. I cant deny though that I have no confidence in handling things any better in his position. But nonetheless, surely there is a need to explain why a 14 days SOL is reasonable enough a punishment from their perspective for a first time latecomer and not get US to do the dirty work for you. To let the men feel that WE do not do anthing to help them. Why not come down for once and really explain things. OCS has clouded our minds. It has clouded mine too. Now after experiencing unit life, I feel disguntled with the system. I feel irritated having to be in an environment where I cant do shit. Its tough when you are one with so much ambition, one who dreams so much on how to help his men and to inspire them having none under his charge at all. Its an utter joke to be honest. It doesnt make me any happier to hear that my upper study had so much free time that the men all felt he did nothing. It definitely does my confidence no good that each time when they come to ask me to make a decision, i have to say go ask QM because he is the one with the rights as the department head, not me. To put things really crudely, my job can be done pretty dam easily by a 3SG or perhaps even a CPL.

I had a talk with my AO the day before about this and he told me but isnt this why people choose to sign on? To want to change a seemingly ineffective system and to truely be the difference that their officer couldnt be. I have heard my fair share of inspirational stories and how if you can change the life of one of your men, you have done a good job etc. I really want to be like that but i find myself in a situation where the desire far exceeds the possibility. I cant do too much or say too much because much of this should be done by the department head. The battle between my own ego and the need to respect the proper hierachy is one that is constantly being fought within. I am glad however that the QM is a friend of mine from SOL, one whom i pretty respect even during my cadet days. It has made things much easier that he understands who I am and how i function and how he always tries to include me in the know although to be very rigid about jobscopes, he neednt do so. I am thankful for that.

I am going for ULOC at a much better place next week and the prospect is pretty exciting. To see the familiar faces is a much better deal than having to only bring bad news to the men each day before RO. 3 weeks is a lot of time, many thigns can change and I pray that things will turn for the better once i return back to KTSC.

Twistin' at 5:23 AM
Monday, January 11, 2010

post 360

360 posts. The very fact that I have been slowly but surely reaching this milestone on this blog whose URL was inspired by a dragonball character never ceases to amaze me. How I still come to this place to pen down my thoughts and reflections although i must admit i am pretty lazy to write everything down at times. Why is 360 a milestone you might ask. I personally do not have an answer but i have always been fascinated with the number 360. I have been in a reflective mode of late probably inspired from msn convos i have had with a couple of my friends over the week due to the privilege of staying out. I would rather stay in cause i get to save money and spend less on the outside meals and all but thats the problem with chinese, we are never happy with what we have no matter how good it might seem to be. But i digress.

I started this blog in the last decade after 2 very good friends of mine javier and wangguan began blogging. Perhaps I was just following the trend then. Or maybe i was going through the teenage phase where I felt compelled to pen down my thoughts about school, stress and all that crap a teenager goes through. Whatever the case, i started this with the help of the 2 of them and an interesting fact is that all the different templates of my blog have been created by either of those 2 sluts. What began with the daily rants of an ah lian teengae boy "OMG! I saw not 1 not 2 but 3 trans at plaza today...omg lar..its like at foodcourt rite, got this grp of 6 women(seemingly). but then look twice rite can see got half is fake de. wa lau. got boobs and long hair also " soon became an avenue for me to pen down significant moments in my life thus far.SJI, Band investiture 05/06, the last day of SJI, Perth, Renaissance Gold, O level results, A level results, VJC, Army. Unlike most of my friends(actually mostly girls), I have never really had the habit of having secret posts or a locked blog where i choose not to publish certain things for all to view. In that same aspect I have been pretty open in what i write after reading through some of the more significant posts. Reading this open book about my life(in a very literal sense) really brings back many wonderful memories on how i matured as a person over the years(i would like to think i grew up), how i got over the ah lian style writing. I am still amazed that i used to talk/type like this. Okay maybe I still do so but of course thats not the point. Most importantly though it reminded me how I have had and still have the luxury of being friends with truely great mates that i can always count on.

Being in KTSC for the past weeks has been an eye opening experience. I might think my life sucks after being rejected by 3 scholarship boards, i might think it sucks because I have had no luck with my love life, i might think it sucks because I am doing practically nothing at camp now. But a short 2 weeks of interacting with the men really opened my eyes to how wrong I was, perhaps even utterly foolish to think this way. Financial problems, domestic problems, criminal charges, these are just some of the day to day problems some of them face and talk to me about. How being able to moonlight to earn an extra 60 dollars a week is the only thing they hope for and how some of them only hope to learn as much as possible from being a clerk in the SAF and nothing else and also how some of them tell me how lucky i am to get the opportunity to go to OCS while they do not even have the chance. I am rather fortunate compared to many of them. Being able to grow up in a sheltered environment with very loving and supportive family members behind me in everything i do, with friends whom i can hang out with week after week and still not be sick of them, with the ability to buy a pair of shoes costing almost $100 without so much as a blink of an eye. Sure there are those who are doing way better than me but life aint too shabby for me after all. 3 weeks into officership and i have already felt that i have seen and learned so much. I am that much closer to signing on that dotted line.

1 year on, 2 years on, 10 years on, i wont not know if i will continue to blog at a frequency as i do now(which is actually not very often) but one thing for sure is that this blog will always be the custodian of the memories of just about the most memorable years in my life.

happy 360 post www.buuhx.blogspot.com and may we share more memorable posts together in the coming years

Twistin' at 3:54 AM
Friday, January 01, 2010

army days(delta part 2)

While talks about EI and the different arms became the highlight of conversation topics for quite a while, the plong too identity became stronger as the weeks gone by. First platoon as we were proud to be known as, we experienced warm jacket and probably had the only cps in history to turn out his own platoon. ming fui ftw and his legendary act will be passed down from generation to generation in times to come.

My most memorable moment in outfield was during service term and i fondly recall how i could not sleep the whole night as i was being attacked by a swarm of BIG RED ANTS. In the end as i was so dam shag, i dunno how i managed it but i just dragged my groundsheet by about 1m and just went back to sleep. With talks of a 16km route march spreading all around after this fieldcamp which included navigation, morale was naturally low. But after we cleared the RAI, we boarded a bus back to wingline. How wrong i was when i thought it was cancelled. We eventually embarked on it at 7pm(see what i mean about the mind games). i fondly recall the march for extreme fighting spirit with many of my friends suffering from sever groin/ass abrasion and how they used the SAF solution to all problems black tape in order to perservere on and eventually complete the march.

Had a brief stint with OCCing when i suddenly had a shortness of breath for 2 weeks. But i absolutely refused to report to the MO against the strong wishes of my mum because i know if i did, i will be sitting in SAFTI MI being SSM's runner now. It was on the eve of scorpion king where i was appointed CPS that this thing arised(stress? to date i still cant find a medical reason but it recovered on its own eventually). You would think that life is fair and that god could choose a better time for my assessment to come or perhaps an easier task because at that time i wouldnt have imagined myself to be chosen to be an appointent holder because i felt i was pretty cui and there were better people who could do a better job. But yeah i sucked thumb and alot of air and endured what would be the most tiring outfield of my life. To be honest i barely dug, but having to do rounds after rounds in the wee hours of the morning while permanently doing stores to help ease the load of my guys as much as possible and trying my best not to remember anything from the horror movie we watched during 'tactical halt' is no joke. I must admit i am an utter wuss and i cant watch scary movies. Scorpion King opened my eyes to how cooperative everyone is. Unfortunately i cant really say the same for LOCC at times so sorry to you guys. How when i said eh sect comms i need men do conc wire. No matter how shag, i would still have the correct number of people going to do although i must add they were always late but i can totally understand. I was god dam shit ass shag myself from the lack of sleep. A funny moment came when i was checking on the conc wire people only to see them sleeping at the fence in front of the lighted buildings in a straight row. 2 things came to mind, if instructors came we would have been screwed as i dont think we were even supposed to go there and they really found the more obvious place possible to be sleeping. But i must confess i joined them and slept for a while because i didnt want to wake them up and i myself was god dam shit ass shag as i mentioned earlier.

Scorpion king ended and with that just about all the regimentation. Memorable moments included myself causing a mutual hatred to a certain guy after my bitching to my buddy was overheard by some dude and it soon spread like wildfire during what seemed like a harmless rest period at platoon live firing. I feel sad for the guy actually contrary to very popular belief but in any case hes happier now so yeah good for him. Successful and all(no sarcasm i swear)

The day of 24 km is one day i will never forget. It was the day the much heavily anticipated postings were to be announced and everyone was excited. That night is still firmly imprinted in my mind. It was approx 2000hrs. Route march was scheduled to begin at 9 if i rmb correctly. Wing comm gathered all of us. He stood tall on the landrover(or did he sit?). Made a small speech then proceded to announce. Some squatted, I sat cause i cant squat each eagerly awaiting the next name to be called and to hear something that didnt start with I for most people. After each name, there was the trademark OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and the ARGHHHHHHHHH followed by a very rousing applause although the logic behind is something i fail to understand till now but i am nevertheless guilty of it. Then my name came. Wayne, ATO. Immediately, familiar faces came starring back at me smiling gleefully(along with the usual hoos and haas) and it was exactly what i wanted, thats what an outsider would have thought. But no one knew what the hell was an ATO actually and only one thing similarly was going through my mind though and that was WTF is an ATO man? No one could give me an answer. Quotes instructor 'not infantry correct already. ' lol wtf but yeah i endured a whole march not knowing my fate. Imagine the pain and agony. Army transport officer, army tactics officer were just a few of the wild guesses people were throwing.

It turned out to be army technical officer and also part of logistics. And the next few days were crazy. Had eyes so swollen that i would have been a disaster if there was social night so yeah thank god for shaoyi who had suspected h1n1 cause i think i would have scared the shit out of jeanne if she went with my face in such horrendous condition. I must emphasize and add i am still dam pissed no one left me any food that night although i paid for 2 portions because i was forced to report sick. yeah thanks faizal for that by the way. making me report sick with a temp of 37.7. Its quite zzz but i guess i can understand, everyone was fearful of h1n1 at that time. Of course the 1 day confinement shit that followed was real lame but i think signals lesson would have been lamer. at least i could slack and sleep in bunk while waiting for nothing.

4 days from that march and i found myself on a 0200 flight to Brunei. My new adventure in LOCC and before that socjot awaited and I didnt even have time to properly say goodbye to everyone. Everything happened too quickly.

Twistin' at 8:36 PM
Saturday, December 26, 2009

army days(delta part 1)

The conclusion of block leave saw my next adventure at SAFTI MI. Until recently, i have never understood the concept behind SAF training institute, military institute. it was like saying SAFAF, singapore armed forces, air force. But yeah i eventually found out it was a historical thing which i think no one would be interested in so i wont talk about it.

Day 1 of OCS was also memorable(as with BMT) for quite a few reasons. 1)I was late 2)I received the sticker D2 which effectively ended my life for about 3 seconds before i was brought back to reality 3) LTA faizal's fist introduction was when you speak you begin with sir and you end with sir.

That essentially stated the tone and what to expect from the course. I have heard my fair share of stories of Delta and how the last batch got it bad from the siao wing comm. How as the scholar wing there is more assessment and all. So when i got saw that sticker D2 it was as if the worst nightmare was happening. As we went to the parade square, i was glad that i was not alone. Far from it in fact. Hsuan Te, Chin Hao, Calvin Han, Jared Chew, Shaun Ware just to name a few of the people in my platoon. At least i know i wont be going through this alone.

Delta did not fail to live up to its reputation. We did so many push ups that i believe it suppressed my BMT record within 3 days. However the instructors were nice. The PCs and the APCs were as put in their own words 'different kind of delta instructors'. I eventually learned in joint term that they had taken a different approach from the other platoons. We have the honor of being perhaps one of the few wings in history to be so well versed in fire drills that we fell in faster than foxtrot for their fire drill. I got to experience the change parade of my life which lasted 45 minutes. That was CLM for you. You leave the bunk when its all dark and you arrive back at your bunk when its all dark.

The end of CLM also spelt one of the darkest periods of my army life. My buddy jared chew who happens to be a classmate of mine in SJI and shaun ware a dam good friend of mine both left delta for mids and air respectively. Up to that point of time, i was contented with my social network being limited to those people i knew and i spent just about all my admin time in either shaun's bunk or my own. The departure of the 2 of them left me pretty empty and lost to be honest, something i have not felt in quite a while. It could be the sucky CLM which caused my morale to be even lower. Admittedly, i became more heck care after they both left and being the only one without a buddy certainly did not help.

This was the build up to the single day i probably will never forget for the rest of army and even the rest of my life. It was the day before book out. The agenda was simple. Complete a live firing, go back clean arms and rest for book out. It was the 3rd week of OCS. The confinement was taking its toll on me mentally. I still rememeber the anticiapation and how elated i was to see my family come down for OCS family day visit. OCS has this uncanny knack of being able to manipulate your emotions(in my opinion) with the various trainings and things they do. The prospect of book out made everyone motivated. At the end of the night shot. It was almost 11 pm. Instead of a bus ride, we were treated to our first ever fast march. At almost midnight, we embarked on the single most crazy activity to do at such an unearthly hour. Till date, that march remains one of the toughest thing i have gone through in army and the one thing that really pushed me to both my combat and physical limits. But then again my PC was being crazy and walking real quickly. At then end of a tiring march like that, it would make sense to take a rest and drink water slowly. But no, a particular conducting officer chose to make us drink the full bottle. At that point i was foaming and to ask me to down a full bottle was almost impossible. After some time, the usual whos stil drinking was asked. I was not done but i know i cant finish it and my other friends cant too so a particular gavin yap told me to just keep silent. We were told to tilt our bottles and of course lots of water came out from mine. Immediately, i was singled out, yelled at for integrity and all that BS and was made to carry on 40. That was the first time i have in my whole life (even in school) been publicly scolded for something.

That embarrassment, that lost in pride really shook me. Following that whole drama was cleaning of arms. You would think after stepping into shit, you wont think your luck is that bad that you would fall into pee next. But as fate would have it, my PWO came to ask me what i was doing(because i was doing shit when cleaning arms). To be honest, my mind wasnt thinking too straight from the fast march and also the scolding earlier and i just said somethign to humour him. Immediately, he proved what i said was untrue and what happened next was a yelling from him that could have woken up people at the parade square even. I was stunned from it. Till date, no one else has experienced the wrath of WO HOO except for me and the things he said and the way he said it made me feel very small. I have lost all pride and confidence i had. I was shattered. That night was the one and only time i ever cried in camp. I had never felt lower before. Cruel, but i learned the hard way. It was a wake up call to my attitude i was showing in OCS thus far. My life would never be the same after that.

The story i just shared is something i have not told quite a lot of people and following that, i was really emo. In school you were emo over results, studies, girls and whatever stress a teenager goes through. My integrity was questioned, my attitude was questioned, this was enough for me to reflect the whole night. I could not sleep that night. My confidence shattered, my ego broken thats the feeling i got as i booked out. But i remember that night too for those who came to console me almost immediately and seemed to understand what i was going through. They were edmund and hsuan te and it was at that point of time i felt slightly glad for them in delta. They will both go on to be people i talk to rather often for the rest of service term.

The first 3 weeks of OCS gave me a very clear picture that this was no BMT. But i was glad for all the smses from my friends which gave me support along the way as it was not my nature to sms people esp in a period where i had such limited admin time.

Putting that few weeks behind me as much as possible, i carried on with the rest of service term. OOCs certs were being distributed with relative ease and it was so funny how we started section fieldcamp with 6 men out of the usual 8-10 despite having 2 men transferred over to us a week prior to fieldcamp. The 10 days fieldcamp that followed was the longest outfield deployment we had till date although we had the privillege of sleeping on safari beds. Fire movments were abundant as were the wild boars which attacked my whole section's fieldpacks except for me. 8 km with extra load at the end of 10 days with not much sleep was not as shag as the 100 push ups wing comm made us do after that although much of it was in an army context half fuck by the time we reached 50. And so we conquered the 10 days section fieldcamp and by then it was midway through service term.

The weeks were just flying by and the 5 1/2 work week was doing serious damage to my social life but i still found time to meet up with all my friends as much as possible. Platoon live firing was the next high point for me in service term. Feeling the ground vibrate as the bangalore exploded was as orgasmic as firing the GPMG during live firing and it was then when i enjoyed live firings for the first time and the war feeling really got my adrenaline pumping as what i remembered.

With a few weeks to go before the end of service term, delta finally got to do their EI survey although we were falsly convinced that all of will be staying anyway and i indicated signals although i was secretly ok with staying in infantry...

Twistin' at 8:52 AM
Saturday, December 19, 2009

army days(tekong)

i still remember the day of enlistment. 080109. green esprit t-shirt, topman jeans, billabong bag, ugly black rubber watch as i left the civilian world and entered the military. i remember the anticipation, i remember the pledge we made which i now know was the SAF pledge,i remember the first person i met- ashley ng ding wen. i remember the ridiculously heavy duffel bag which i had to bring up 4 levels sweating like a dog in the process, i remember how the dinner we got seemed so different from the quality of lunch when our parents were there.

that was my first day of the army. vividly at the back of my head. coming into the army was not very tough to take for me. regimentation was something i had experienced before back in SJIMB. it was not very comforting though to know that i was lost in platoon 4 gryphon company. I realised i had no good friends in there. things changed however that night when i moved to platoon 2 where ben ben happened to be along with calvin and joel the latter 2 being in the same section as me even. And from then, life was much better. It felt good to have someone to bitch with right from day 1 and to know that someone will have your back no matter what. We went into full swing PT training for the first few weeks. Then fieldcamp came. Powderbaths and lying half naked on groundsheets with your buddy was god dam gay but it was fun to talk about the different issues of an NSF like girls they liked and the upcoming A level results. I remember me and joel literally lying there for a good 2 hours just reminiscing about anything under the sun. Fieldcamp is best remembered by the turn out at 4 55 am in the mornining with the usual bombardment of 'arti' shells. The shouting and yelling was the usual but the tekan for the next 1 1/2 hours was not. I cant remmeber a time when i held push up position for so long and i recall eating our breakfast when all the drama was over as the sky started to light up. Tough trainining is good trainining is what they always say. I had to cope with the disappointment of being let down by the administration at BMTC during fieldcamp for my PSC interview but as i always say, thats life. Another thing i remember fondly in BMT was being part of the drill squad. Pride honour displine, that was everything drill squad meant for me. Most of my friends have probably heard me say it before but despite not being the most proficient in drills, it is something i loved and i have always dreamed of being parade commander for NDP someday. Training hard at night as the company watches on with their abundance of admin time might have seemed a bad deal for us but when we attained a rather respectable 4th place, it was worth it. Drills has and will always be my passion.

Gryhpon company is perhaps second to only kestrel in school 1 in terms of tougness of training. Running in SBO for 1km might not seem so tough a feat now but back then it was really different. My 2.4km timing improved by almost 20 seconds from my JC timing but unfortunately it was not enough for that gold. The instructors there were in my opinion fairly professional, sure there were those who cant talk for nuts but amongst the sergeants there are a few i really respect and perhaps that inspired me to want to be a sergeant. Getting to interact closely with 6 men as opposed of trying to understand 27 seems to be a better choice as i felt that the time spent with fewer men meant i could influence their lives better. However i learned in OCS that all this is dependent on the commander himself. A battalion CO can know all 500 of his men well if he truely wanted to. Stupid it might seem to just wanting to be a specialist but eventually pride got the better of me and i still indicated wanting to be an officer.

In the final weeks building up to 24 km, it was really when i got to love my section so much. The constant bitchings with shariff and jonathan khoo was as memorable as chun hiang infamous figure 15. They all grew accustomed to my sexion 2 alarm and i could sense the brotherhood amongst most of us. As we embarked on the 24 km and as my PC MrJack Alvin Hu sang that song which i love so much, it dawned on me that our 9 weeks together was ending. It seemed so fast perhaps even cruel as to why BMT needed to end so quickly.

To my ex buddy Joel Foo, thanks for being such a great buddy. It was really awesome to have you go through the shit with me and thanks for all the many htht we shared during fieldcamp, i really got to know you much better. To a very important friend, ben ben, though i have never openly said it, i was raelly really dam elated when i found that you were in the same platoon as me. Despite your sarcasm at times =p, you have really helped me pull through with your encrouragement. I cant imagine a BMT without having you to bitch with and to run with and to do push-ups with. You are one reason my BMT experience was awesome.

So the conclusion of BMT meant an awsome block leave. OCS beckons and the next journey in the army awaits..

Twistin' at 8:04 AM
Saturday, December 12, 2009


6 days!

As i stand on the brink of commissioning, it is an awesome feeling that i cant describe. I can even overlook the retarded ACPC which appoints me an officer on friday but it is only valid on the 20th onwards so why bother giving us now huh. In any case, being awarded my sword would mark another major milestone in my short life thus far. Being CWC in joint term has been pretty tough. Got owned again by the favorite instructor. Somehow after all these months, the fear of talking to him is prevalent. The only officer that i fumble when i talk to and i guess some things dont change. It feel lousy being criticised when you think you are trying your best. I never expected it to be a walk in the park but it is pretty dam sucky that people just love complaining and fail to emphatise. i guess i myself am guilty of it at times. But whos to blame? from everything from uniform to discpline, it was literally done from scratch. SURE i need to have an officer mindset and take initiative but leaving me with 0 to start with is bit ridiculous dont you think.but i am glad for y fellow appointment holders esp matthew who has been darn efficient.

Watched 2 movies yesterday, christmas carol and storm warriors. Christmas carol was random and i read reviews saying it was not bad so i decided to watch it and yeah it was ok. But my main focus however would be storm warriors. I only have 3 letters to describe this movie and it is WTF! From start to end, this show made as much sense as a singing monkey. It was an utter joke and i was very surprised no one walked out before the show ended. But the good thing is i watched it wth my dad so i didnt need topay a single cent yay!

6 days and perhaps gedong is what awaits me.I guess i will reflect more on army after i commission. PSC and Sime Darby applications are waiting for me



totally random but they are still awesome. xoxo bsb yo

Twistin' at 9:59 PM
Saturday, December 05, 2009

36 weeks..

and joint term is finally here! the anticipation, the excitement, the peak cap and more. being back at safti MI minus the ridiculous marching distance to the parade square is much cause for happiness for me. i finally got my dream of being a contingent commander fulfilled though i know my drills needs quite a bit of brushing up but i am confident i can do it. To work towards something and get it actually feels dam good.

Met darren yesterday and he mentioned how i seemed to be happier now with things going my way and i realise its kind of true. 6 months ago, i was probably at the lowest point in my life. everything seemed to be going wrong. how much difference a few months makes. things are slowly picking up and lets hope this continues on for the next year too

13 days!

Twistin' at 8:22 PM