my life

Random Ramblings

2011-10-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

Its been so long since i last posted here that i actually forgot my login details, never thought that day would come.

I had a conversation w HL a couple of days ago and how if we really wanted to have an outlet to rant, it should be on a private page. Personally though i dont even think i would write about my deepest darkest fears on any page. This coupled w the fact that the blog is probably fading away into obscurity w each passing day bar the few loyal readers who come here every few weeks so what the heck.

Its been little over a month since i arrived in London and everything seemed to be working out fine. Having an awesome friend as my roomie, very flexible school hours, a number of my good friends are here in london,i find time to skype the girlfriend and mother at least once in 3 days, im going traveling during the holidays, everything seems perfect, at least on the surface. Im not going to be extreme and say my time here has been an entire disaster but it definitely isnt as smooth-sailing as i intended it to be.

I have never considered myself to be someone who would miss home and i could always imagine myself striving it out overseas back when i was a little younger seeing how my dad did it. I spent most of my time in school and in camp previously with whatever remaining time mostly spent with friends, i was often chided by my mum for being able to live with just friends. For a large part of my life i thought so, then army came and kinda skewed my perspectives a little and now that i find myslef living independently, i would be lying if i said i didnt miss home, my family, my girlfriend, the very good home-cooked food and not having to walk quickly late at night for fear of being robbed or killed although the latter seems improbable anyway.

On nights like this when i have nothing to do, nobody to talk to, i think of Fiona who i miss dearly, i think of home, i think of family, i think about how my friends back home are doing. I get irritated when i facetime my family and no one is responding, i get very pissed off when i try to skype Fiona and she oversleeps making me wake up early for nothing and i cant help but feel disappointed when i didnt get to oovoo with the s42 peeps last week. So when we argued that night, Fiona was right to point out behind the BS about accountability and principles, the main reason why i got so ticked was because i didnt get to skype her that day and she probably was right.

Call it my male pride and what have you but i never quite liked showing my vulnerable side to others not even my family. I think to date the only friend that has seen me cry is Javier but i digress. Things aint that bad that i sob myself to sleep every night along with those other emo shit, dont get me wrong. It just hasnt been as easy as i thought it would be. Its something i cant express to both my mum and fiona because it would make them more worried than they already are.

Socializing was something everyone was talking about prior to my departure and how life was going to be so happening. I find it funny that in the 1 month ive been here, ive only visited a club once and drank hard liquor once. I find myself hanging out w other Singaporeans more often than w the locals or other international students but i guess its the same for many of the other singaporeans.

But at the end of the day, im still positively excited about school and on most days i have enough fun w my friends but i hate these moments of peace and serenity when i start thinking of everyone back home. This is something i need to start getting used to and i should also start attempting to cook because im not sure how much longer can i keep up w eating out for lunch everyday. Oh well back to other mindless activities like re-watching HIMYM and to those reading this back home, i really hope you guys are doing well!

2011-08-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

Love is our resistance. I made a resolution to never regret not trying. It wont be broken anytime soon.

2011-07-30T06:22:00.001-07:00

It was jie's convocation today! Time flies, really it does. I still remember THAT email to her dad about why she should go to SMU and in the blink of an eye, she has graduated.

Wang's flying tomorrow, Ara is already gone, Darren, Shane and Shannon will be gone over the next 2 weeks and very soon it will be my turn. Dont really have anything I will particularly miss other than my family considering some of my very best pals are either in the states or going to the UK too. Very soon, I will graduate and thereafter working life. Well but i guess for now its enjoyment and more enjoyment, the serious stuff can wait till much later!

2011-07-16T10:00:00.001-07:00

I had a great time today with my XD and Chin Hao. Be it the reckless driving, HTHT, the awkward jokes, today reminded me why i enjoy hanging out with you guys so much. Thanks for making the journey with me to ecp(athough you guys pbb enjoyed the gay HTHT with each other too)

Was reminded by ben neo its 2 months. And so the countdown begins..

2011-07-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

After spending less than a week at home, I have begun my stint at HDB. Lots to get used to in all honesty. Being asked to do filing and make photocopies of stuff were things i used to task Alex to do back in AI. But oh well, we all have to start at the bottom dont we? Learned quite a few secrets behind HDB's scholarship selection amongst others.

And it is now 9 weekends till departure week. Maybe its time i started writing down a list of what needs to be packed... Any volunteers want to help me start?

2011-07-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

The disappointment wasnt exactly the most ideal way of ending my last working day with the SAF. But it is the next batch's problem to deal with it already. A good break awaits me albeit just a week but its better than nothing. Now to start working on my UK visa documents

2011-06-28T04:19:00.000-07:00

Rationality has never been one of my strengths although i must qualify this most certainly does not apply to work and it has never affected my professionalism but nonetheless my rash actions werent really regretted. Also glad that range concluded earlier than expected which means i enjoy a nice night at home on my bed.

This btw has to be one of the saddest song ever composed

poker and life

2011-06-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

life is essentially a poker game. pre-flop represents the uncertain phase of life, the future which essentially you cant control like getting a job for instance. some go all in believing that its the way to go especially since those pocket aces in the form of the alevel ceret are worth the bet but at times you end up losing and it becomes one of those things in life that didnt work out.

after the flop you get a snapshot and clearer idea of the circumstances. while pre-flop might lull you into the false belief that it could be the right decision to go in and call any raises, with the flop you can now be slightly clearer in your decision making and there is time to pull out, likened to being offered a job in the manufactoring industry which isnt banking like you expected as opposed to being offered a job although in both cases it may come to nothing just like a flush and straight draw at the start. you can choose to fold and not accept or call by taking on what that job offers. you do not know what position yet but hey its worth a shot and in the end it may turn out well.

by the turn, if you have not been foolish enough to dive in and accept the job before knowing the true nature of it likened to calling for an all in either pre or post flop, you will now know that you are being offered the position of either engineer or technician subject to an interview. it could go both ways, much like dubs or a possible fullhouse.

if you are still playing at the river, the cards have all been laid out. you know the only thing that can win your nut flush is the full house. you decide that theres little chance you will get the technician job and its likely the engineer position is yours. you go for the interview and go all in and as life would have it, the opponent calls and you lose to the full house. you settle for technician.

but life isnt over so long as you do not give up. you decide to buyin again and get another shot at life. you make new decisions and attempts at other jobs. perhaps this time, it will work out

this post represents either of these 2 things.

1) i really need help and gamblers anonymous awaits me

2) i am dam bloody good at these analogies

i like to think its the latter. dont worry mummy i was really kidding about the gamblers anonymous. please dont overreact

and life presents itselves in so many interesting ways. i was certain my dubs were gonna get raped by the possible flush but i still went all in. i may have lost but i am going to buy in again and get another shot,hopefully a different table this time

emo nemo

2011-06-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

Its never easy saying goodbye. I was never quite good at that but maybe its because i have never said goodbye to someone i really cared for except maybe for my dad when he left for china. I was never quite the emotional kid but within a week, i come to realise that 2 of my very good friends, possibly 2 of the best friends I've ever had are going away in the next few weeks. Thats life. It was correctly pointed out to me that with age, quantity of friendship decrease but quality increases. 07s42, SJIMB, Irhumba, 07s64, SC, SJI, army. Who stays close and who drifts?

I'm glad and happy one of my close bros found the love of his life, however complicated the story behind might be. But truth is, i find it hard to relate considering my love life has been an utter failure. This is not self pity, this is self evaluation. Wasted 2 years of my life chasing the impossible dream and i find myself in the same situation, not that far off, its been a little more than a year. Different girl same story. Its pathetic. I mock those jokes who wallow in self pity over that girl who wasnt worth all that sorrow but I think i am not that far off. I hate myself for being so vulnerable to social norms. I hate it when relatives ask why dont i have a girlfriend. But i think above all, I need to really really really meet some people. Come on university please come quickly.

Now to bury myself in some walking dead

2011-06-10T06:31:00.001-07:00

I never thought i will hear myself saying this but i have 6 working days left! More excitingly however, it is aussie tomorrow with my SJI pals and its high time i enjoyed a nice holiday with my friends and its at a perfect timing.

In other news i got my Macbook Pro so goodbye to the old cui ttm HP laptop which now belongs to my mum(i paid for the formatting before the handover i must add) Its scary that its June already and in just about 3 months from now i wil find myself on the plane to London. Cant say i am THAT excited now compared to 3 months ago as that day draws nearer since there is so much to stay for but oh well.

While transferring my old documents into the new mac, i browsed through quite a fair amount of my old photos(mostly VJ) and it reminded me so much of things both good and bad. Said this countless of times but i miss so much of the past. After 10000 attempts finally met cam and jeanne last week and on the way back cam mentioned that if we choose to think about something and tell alot of people that very thing, chances are we accentuate the very feeling we are trying to overcome. Okay basically it means if i am dam pissed i should stop telling people i am pissed because by saying it i will become more pissed. Logic 101.

Oh well see you world in 11 days!

2011-05-02T04:32:00.000-07:00

An air of uncertainty looms as the incumbent government awaits their fate on polling day when Singapore goes for election. I have taken quite a huge interest in this year's GE not just to prove that we youngsters are not politically apathetic but because i firmly believe this will be the most significant milestone in Singapore's short history and with many of the new voters being the so called gen-y, i believe this is a biggest political test for the PAP. But as far as i am concerned thats about all i can care about because tragically i cant vote =( and the fight for my SMC is no where as exciting as the heavyweight battles at Aljunied, Tampines or Bishan-Toa Payoh.

Anyway the next course has already come in and i have just recovered from the most tiring week as an insuctor minus thailand. Managing 2 courses at a time is no joke and thank god thats probably going to be as tough as it gets as far as my remaining 8 weeks in the force is concerned. Time is winding down on my stay in the SAF as a regular as well as that in Singapore before i finally get to depart for my studies. Cant say i dont feel sad about leaving both these places but nevertheless i am excited and ready to proceed on with the next phase of my life.

After recent talks with a good friend of mine and seeing what has happened to another, sometimes the regret from doing something you would have regretted not doing might come to haunt you greater than the regret of not even trying or even get to say your piece at all. I screwed up twice already, i sure do not want to screw it up a third time. ..

2011-04-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

Get It Right

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?

'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Its tough when you try to make things right but the damage has been made irreparable. Am having a struggle to find my motivation at work with the cadets now gone. I have now realised that the interaction i had with my colleagues were merely out of necessity. Its sad to know that you are the one who doesnt belong and in retrospect it was probably my own doing because i chose not to hang out with them in the earlier months. How there are 2 distinct groups and not belonging in either of them. I am not sure what is worse, that both groups really dislike the other or the fact that i am the only one with no one i can call a friend. Its a feeling i have never felt before, the feeling that i dont belong. I mis Jin Yang, i miss the squirm, i miss the JC batch of instructors, ken tat, malcolm, guo nian and the people i used to hang with. I probably was quite a fucker at times during the last course and i did try to make ammends and i have apologised but oh well its a fact of life that we choose our friends.

At least the understudy is coming soon and the course will come in a couple of weeks.

Emo Siol

2011-03-21T06:54:00.001-07:00

I have done it. I have finally stopped being wishy-washy. On 21 1400 I officially rejected the SMS scholarship. This effectively rules out any possibility of SAFOS and i guess HDB is the way to go until 2019 at least.

Met up with a few friends the past week following my return from Thailand and it was fun as usual but how long we can keep this up I am not sure. Truth is as discussed with a friend, priorities change and a time will come where the weekly outings become monthly outings which become annual outings and before you know it it becomes a mere beautiful memory. Not that it isnt a bad thing. I still recall with a wide smile the great times spent with my pri sch gang including gim lim jason jevon junliang none of whom i am in contact with today. I believe in slight pessimism over over optimisim and maybe my thoughts are extreme. It sucked trying to find someone to go out with on a nice day off and yet nobody is free. Truth is i never experienced that before and its a sucky feeling. Ben casually said that i need a girlfriend and i guess it is true to a certain extent. Solitude has never been my cup of tea although thinking of solitude after just 1 day might come as a little bit extreme but fact remains i cant deny i miss the feeling of being loved, being cared for. Army has toughened me up in many aspects but most certainly not in this department. I miss that i can just message someone at any time and almost instantly receive a reply. I miss that i can just ask someone out and it will work out. Things may never have progressed much physically but emotionally i think we did progress significantly. Almost 4 years on i still regret what has happened and how things turned out. Things can only take a turn for the worse once i go the London but amidst all the doom i am glad that i will have some bit of s64 with me in London come September at least.

Oh well some life lessons just impact you more than others and hit you harder. Like how i will never forget being framed in primary school by that SOAB Randy Loo and how i cried in class after that. Good times, good times..

2011-02-26T05:01:00.000-08:00

hi world! life€'s been good so far in thailand i think except for the fact i have been totally sunburnt and that last minute arrows are totally pissing me off but yes i will survive with fb and soccernet every night.

watched the vday ep for glee during one of my breaks. despite how corny the story and how cliche it is, it kinda gave the bloody gay aww feeling for me hearing them sing about thei love for each other. if my future gf can sing its plus points to the power of one thousand for me.

it led me to kinda reflect upon my rather failed love life or attempts at love for that matter. its pretty sad how i am eager to shoot or even insult others at times and yet when it comes to telling someone about my feelings i cant seem to find the courage to look them straight in e eye and say it. maybe i am afraid of rejection or the consequences of it all and not i am reeling from the regret of not even giving myself a chance however impossible an outcome may seem.

oh well as i always tell myself life goes on and maybe the 9 days outfield will help to take my mind off things.

2011-02-17T21:52:00.000-08:00

Stunning revelation but i cant say it wasnt coming. It was always going to be a matter of time and regardless of what happens i just need to move on like i always tell myself to.

Heading to that wretched land of smiles with scorching temperatures of 40degress, a shitload of mosquitos for an awesome 9 days of outfield to look forward to. But at least it will be the last time i will be going there. Despite all my rantings about poor work relations, i still am glad i am doing this and given the opportunity to instruct, fulfilling my main wish before commissioning back then in 09.

See y'all in 3 weeks or so

2011-02-14T06:33:00.000-08:00

就是开不了口让她知道

2011-01-29T23:21:00.001-08:00

It has been awhile. The past few weeks have been entirely filled with 21st parties, already attended 5 and we are still only in January =O Been meeting up with old friends at these parties and its always nice to catch up with them.

Cant say the same about the people at the office. Arrogant toehags with absolutely nothing to show for what they say while acting like some girl saying things and not wanting to elaborate. Fuck you ronald seriously. I had enough of your bullshit already. Your whole i am the best, most handsome, most talented might seem funny for awhile but when you become too self-indulged in it and really begin to actually think its true its really time to wake up from your bloody dreamworld. You can question what i do its fine, you claim i am not well liked its fine because at the end of the day my job is not to become the most well liked instructor or colleague because i produce the results and my cadets do not need to slog till 1am cause of the inefficiencies of your side. You think i really care about what you think? Its takes more than 1 sorry SOAB like yourself to say hurtful things to really affect me. You can continue licking the asses of the cadets and being the loser mother hen you are for all i care. I can live with myself for the things i do and for what i practice. Dont pretend you know more and think you have the right to criticise me the way you do. When i first commissioned you were still kissing the floor as the loser recruit you still are today. I am open to feedback and i always look to improve myself but only from people i think whose words have weight which is definitely not you, not by a long shot. Heres a tip, when you want to give feedback do it in a open setting and not say things out of angst and dont bother explaining claiming i am too sensitive cause really if theres one thing i hate in the world, tis pussies like you who dont dare to say things upfront. i can safely say the poor relationships in the office as a whole can be totally attributed to people like you. I feel sorry for you that you are too stupid to get into a local uni, to be 'the most handsome' and still have an ugly girlfriend, to be dam fit and have a beer belly bigger than mount everest.Loser...

2011-01-07T06:19:00.000-08:00

2011 didnt start off as well as i would have wanted it to be. Quarreling with my mum on New Year's Day was retarded yet amusing at the same time due to the nature of it but what the heck, some things never will change.

This week will probably be the lowest i have ever felt in camp. Indirectly causing 2 cadets to lose their way and hence eliminating any possibility of them attaining the timing required for their CSB 32km however little their chance was already to begin with left me feeling very guilty and sorry for myself. In retrospect, there was so much more i could have done. I could have doubled back to their position instead of choosing to wait at the junction after the supposed straight road. I could have briefed fabian clearly of the route before rushing off to tend to those in the middle. It didnt matter that their timings were already hovering at the borderline and they were definitely not going to pass. Fact remains it was deeply unprofessional that they were allowed to holan. To receive a call from boss to tell me what to do, something that he has never done before did my confidence and my already immense guilt no good. To further compound the misery i forgot about a meeting and went home, becoming the only one absent.

Yesterday was not much better. At the end of 10 weeks, as opposed to the affirmation from the higher-ups that the team is doing a good job to motivate us for the next phase, what we got was a snide remark that suggests WE CAUSED A LACK OF INTEREST AMONGST THE CADETS IN CONTINUING IN FA FOR SPECIALISATION. I cant blame my guys for feeling demoralised, i cant blame them for feeling aggrieved with a deep sense of injustice cause even i cant see how i can go on knowing how little faith your boss have in the team.

I see the cracks within the team too. I found out to my horror how mch resentment there is to certain people within the team. I wont be surprised if i too were the victim subjected to the bitching if i were not there. Intructorship wasnt supposed to be this tough. It takes alot for me to concede that something might actually beyond me but as it is, the damage is irreparable, to me at least.

Oh well, may the subsequent weeks be better.

2011

2010-12-31T07:44:00.001-08:00

Typing this on my awesome android 1.5 phone so this wont be long.

The year 2010 has been quite a good one for me with my scholarship along with the place in UCL making this upcoming year and more specifically uni something to really look forward to. Beyond academics, i am glad to have kept those who matter close to me and at the same time somewhat attempting to patch things up with others. To say this year has been smooth sailing would be a lie but nonetheless as i wind down the remaining minutes of the year with my family in a nt so happening hotel room, it serves as a timely reminder to me of how much they matter. I know they will always be there for me supporting me in all my endeavours. Well i wont want to elaborate too much on the lows but for those who know me well enough, you probably will have a sensing on what they are.

So away from the present and on to the future. My new year resolutions:

1. Have a good start in uni and work hard because the degree really really matters

2. Learn how to cook so my mum can stop worrying about me roughing it out in the UK if i will be able to cook my own meals(although theres always chin hao to count on)

3. To serve out the remainder of my time in army professionally(there will be no more thoughts about signing on and i will stick with HDB with its measly pay)

4. To live with regrets rather than regret not trying

5. To continue to keep those who matter close esp those leaving sg to other countries too

6. To not let mummy worry too much for me in the UK and be tolerant however naggy she may be and to also be appreciative of the fact she really cares

7. Run a marathon

So heres to an awesome new year everyone!

2010-12-24T07:55:00.001-08:00

Well it has been quite a while. Its not because i am busy. Its more of having nothing interesting to blog about.

Outfield this week was a real disappointment for myself and my team and no amount of encouragement can do anything to make me feel better about this. I take the responsibility for failing to ensure my team was proficient in what was required out of the exercise. It can be complacency or perhaps sheer laziness but nothing changes the fact that with all that bullshit about wanting to exhibit professionalism in the training of my cadets this has not been done. I feel demoralized, i feel angry, i feel frustrated but maybe a part of me just doenst want to do anything about it.

Totally screwed up my MINDEF board interview and with that, it probably cost me my shot at the highly coveted and prestigious SAFOS scholarship. Having breezed through the SAS board and getting all the positive reviews from the post-board, it probably made me feel less inclined to prepare and go on with the very false idea that i was sufficiently prepared. BUT then again with all that shit on the last minute prep for Safari i probably wasnt in the best state of mind prior to the board.

But this week hasnt really been all bad. Well the smallest things take my mind off things and i am grateful for those.

Oh yeah Merry Xmas everyone!

2010-11-15T05:43:00.000-08:00

I used to think i was a sly piece of shit, being crafty enough to meet certain objectives with the aid of a rather bold personality of course. I was totally wrong. As it turns out, I am actually slightly sly, a little bit crafty and lacking quite a fair bit in balls(in a non literal sense of course)

Because i know i am actually secretly being stalked by those in the place you cant speak of(much like the department of mysteries in harry potter) i cant afford to list names and inadvertently cause them to sink into some serious trouble.

So anyway i found out in the past weeks that as if the agony of watching everyone ORD was not enough, i realise theres actually quite a few people who have actually started school. I must quantify most of it are stories i have heard from others so it may not be true but i wont be surprised even if it is. Mere words cant describe this ingenious, well crafted and perhaps slightly diabolical plan to actually be 1 whole freaking semester ahead of the rest of the pack but because i totally SUCK at posting anything other then words on this blog, i have to settle for mere words.

The plan is simple enough. Save enough leave, go "overseas" for a good 2 weeks(starting school in the process) on the pretext of clearing leave, come back take IC, before going back to continue your studies. Sure you have less time for the CCC(civilian converison course whose duration varies depending on the individual), sure you never really got a chance to say goodbye to both family and friends considering your undying spirit and dedication you have you put into your active service whilst in the armed forces but who gives a SHIT!?!

Imagine you have always been somehow keeping active contact with your friends during army, suppose you block out every sunday for family day and you have no one holding you back, whats there to lose in choosing to leave so quickly after you ORD?? I try hard to think who i know fits the bill and i realise...

THATS SO ME DAMNIT! I hang out with my friends regularly enough, i allocate just about enough time for family and i dont have a gf who needs attention every few weeks at least.

If i am allowed to perhaps be slightly foolish in thinking i am quite a wily old fox, it would seem almost natural for me to come up with this excellent idea to serve my full service, enjoy school early and eventually be 1 year richer than my male peers(based on the non presumptuous notion that a graduate will surely earn more than the mere 2.2k i am getting each month without making provisions for CPF yet) Afterall i am an excellent dealbreaker player and i almost won my first game at citadel the first time i played it. TELL ME I AM NOT SLY!

But friends, sadly, i dont consider myself to be lacking in the balls department(i jay walk even if the traffic light is just mere metres so take that!) i take that back. I can only conclude its my strong grounding of values instilled by my stint in army training and the eventual service as an officer(which i am still doing now of course). Well you can ramble all you want about me still childishly revelling in the glory of commissioning 1 year on. All i have to say is that my journey in OCS has more or less moulded the way i think and act today and i cant deny its for the better so i naturally attribute what i have learned today to those 9 months. Considering most of my fellow officer friends have places overseas and they have not taken the above mentioned path, surely that provides a sensing on why they chose not to do so?

At the end of the day i think i would rather lose that one year than live in guilt each time i come back for ICT, knowing i cheated the system with the constant fear i get found out and punished as a result. But then again what can they do to a NSman? Maybe i am only making excuses for myself and my lack of bravery but what the heck. I think i am happy with life now and the 2.2k per month which i still have not gotten(time to go stir some shit in camp again) so i think that suffices. Well but for the sad April and beyond enlistees you wont even have a chance to contemplate this idea at all so HAHA sucks to be you woo!

In other non related news, i thought i was dreaming when dad told me chelsea lost 0-3 at home. Miracles do happen! Come on gunners dont let me down again!

2010-11-13T21:59:00.000-08:00

the inability to guide my sister in any way for A's is seriously getting to me. I think i am really becoming stupid. haii

options options options

2010-11-04T06:29:00.000-07:00

As if life wasnt complicated enough for me, I received a mail from SMU a few days back with regards to a scholarship interview for both the USP and Lee Kong Chian which are both rather attractive for one who wishes to remain local. I thought i didnt belong to that category. But when i went to read the mails 2 more times on separate occasions, i know i am in deep shit.

While i am very happy with my HDB scholarship, the pay is to be honest measly considering that i would be pursuing a career in the finance sector if not for the fact that i will be bonded. To put things into perspective i refer to the undermentioned

"FRESH graduates from the economics degree programme of the Singapore Management University (SMU) are among the best paid in their peer group, with a median starting salary of $3,300.

Those with distinctions fare even better. The corresponding figure for them is $3,750."

If i continue to take up my HDB scholarship, the maximum starting salary i could possibly draw is 3.3k(with distinction of course). So that puts me at approximately $450 net loss per month should i choose to study overseas. But i must not forget that the local scholarship does not provide me with living allowance. Judging by my current spending habits, that would be $400 a month at the very least. That amount is of course subjected to increase should i get attached during uni.

This still puts me at a net lost of $600 anually the moment i step out to work. But to take this at face value would be foolish. The above figures are only valid if i am to find a job upon graduation but most importantly, should i pursue my education in the UK followed by the States as planned, I can complete my Masters in 4 years as opposed to the 5 in Singapore unless i am reading it wrong which means i could potentially waste another year of my limited youth studying.

But what about the intangibles? Overseas experience? Quality time spent with family and friends? Higher probability of finding GF(more options = more opportunities)

Options Options Options

2010-10-30T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am officially living in the past.

The past 2 days online have been spent reading just about every single one of my 360++ posts on blogger since secondary 3. Reading and reliving those days in the back of my head does bring about some badly needed pick me up from the mundane life i've led the past few weeks except when i was in Brunei where you cant really consider jungle life as being mundane. Attempts at making outings happen the past few days to no avail have left me frustrated but i think its probably a sign that its high time to really lower expectations of friendship and i think i have already been doing a good job prior to this post. Not that i have lost faith in all my friends but i do get the sensing that with army, uni, other halfs and what have you, i am losing touch with quite a couple of them. Which is no surprise since this is the same problem that happened during the transition from primary school to secondary school. New environment, new friends, you start fading from existence and before you know it, the same old 'lets meet up' continuously ring in your ears but it just never happens. It didnt really happen in JC though because somehow most of my best SJI mates ended up in VJ. Gone were the days where impromptu outings happened after lectures and gone were the days days where you talked to the same people online everyday and still not run out of things to say. Well thats slightly extreme and not entirely true but you get the idea. I miss being the social butterfly i was and i dont need to lie about it. Going out with 3 different groups of friends on a saturday lulled me into the impression that i had a happening life which might indeed be true to a certain extent but no longer is this the case. My leaves in recent weeks have been spent lazing at home and i am think i am contented with that now. With my extension of service, it probably means i will only continue to have my weekends available and meeting lesser friends is a trend that probably wont buck anytime soon. But then again i think its also a problem on my part. i cant complain about my friends if i am the one that chose to pangseh and i apologise to the s64 dudes for doing so earlier. Spoke to ben about this issue a couple of weeks back and how i have decided to stop taking up such a pro-active role in organising outings and perhaps leave it to the others. The fact that i am going out less(and saving alot more which is good) is a tell tale sign that certain friendships have perhaps always been one-sided which is actually a rather depressing thought.

But all is not gloomy and dark. Arsenal won today after leaving me at the edge of my sofa for the better part of 85 minutes before finally scoring. I really hope they win something this year. Its high time they fulfilled that supposed potential.

In rather unrelated news, i saw this video about a video in 1928 which showed a woman on a cellphone, sparking some debate about the supposed time traveller and how it actually exists. If thats indeed the case, i wont really mind making friends with him/her. Going back to JC life over drawing allowance does seem like a rather good trade off. Bleagh i guess thats enough pessimism for the night. Maybe i will wake up tomorrow and feel happy about life agian. After all there is the 2.2k to look forward to come November. And chilling on the 36th floor always cheers me up. And i am actually rather excited for the next course come monday even if it means staying in and booking in tomorrow night. And there is the awesome halloween outing with the councilors tomorrow though i doubt anything more than 10 will turn up. I will be dressing up as the rare civilian. Thats gonna be so cool and awesome. Woo I rock

2010-10-27T05:38:00.000-07:00

Finally got fed up enough with those damn adwares to remove my chatbox(not that there was much postings there anyway) And speaking of which sorry friends if you have been spammed with retarded mails asking you to buy viagra/got a penis/boobs enhancement etc. I know you do not need it but my computer feels my msn friends need it and i have no say to it.

In any case I am glad that i have made it safely back home and i have officially joined the gay glee lovers club. Ben ben suggested i watch it during my free time in Brunei and there has been no looking back since.

please make this feeling go away

2010-10-13T06:14:00.000-07:00

So i find myself going to brunei and i find myself facing the old nemesis-mt bianc once again. Horrific memories of the last trip to that donkey ass place come swarming back as i am typing this. The heavy alice pack, the multiple cramps, the squeezing of 3 gay boys on 1 ground sheet, the heroics of zhang and of course that joke of a knoll tan aaraon made us climb. Going back as an instructor is easier yet tougher at the same time and i guess all i hope for is to survive this and not get some fever like the last time and not coming back.

Watching just about ALL my friends in ORD mode is a reason for extreme envy. So much so that i actually felt sorry for myself for even extending at one point. The thought of not seeing that lil squirm and jy in camp again coupled with the not so close ties i share with my fellow instructors did make me feel very empty. But i am glad i am kinda over that already and ready to embrace the next 8 months bravely(with the prospect of a fat wallet of course)

Managed to meet up with a few of the class dudes on monday and i conclude that i am just yearning for social life and for friends to hang out with all the time and my happiness is largely dependent on that. Laughing so hard with them as we reminisce about the good days/scandals/anything under the sun perhaps made me the happiest i have ever been in weeks.

Oh well may i survive brunei. see you when i am back

2010-09-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

after months of indecisive behavior much unlike my usual style, i finally put to bed any inklings of signing on. rejecting the board interview was the best way for me to be firm in taking up HDB as my option and i guess i wont want to wallow too much in the what ifs and just finish the last 10 months of my NS and enjoy the wonders of civilian life(of course i should look towards changing that photo on my IC once i get it back cause if i recall it looks horrendous)

affairs of the heart are dam bloody complicated and i feel like stabbing myself at times much like how i feel like stabbing the dam speakers each time i hear the train coming and it asking me to love my ride. PLEASE SHUT UP!

the blog song

2010-09-13T06:48:00.000-07:00

this old place its starting to fog
i seem to not know how to blog
could be the gap between each log
but i return like a faithful dog

pure words now seem like muslim and pork
innovation i need to break this lock
so i turn to song not just to be cock
but to give this place some much needed torque

in black and white i now have sign
8 months july till i resign
with pride i bear this state's ensign
signing on its becoming benign

at AI i stay to instruct and teach
i hope i do more than just to preach
to impact so strong its like a leech
turn bad to good just like some bleach

in time to come i will smile nice
even if now its hard to eat rice
no pain no gain fair sacrifice
for these braces i pay any price

compact precise that's my current life
i've updated so please lay down the knife
i may seldom update but i hope you thrive
because buuhx to me you're like my wife

2010-08-26T05:52:00.001-07:00

sign or dont sign?
tell or dont tell?
reapply or dont reapply?
complain or dont complain?

and life is filled with so many decisions suddenly. for a period of time i was a man mode trainee and now i am back to reality with these decisions to make all of them life changing(i think)

but at least FAOCC has ended and my flexi contract is finally settled.

2010-07-31T04:55:00.001-07:00

its been a long time since i came here. nothing much has changed. leading sad cadet life and am about to depart for the land of smiles in a couple of hours. Afterwhich i will finally end my course and get a little more freedom from there on.

Had a great time with cam and jeanne yesterday filled with retarded laughable moments along with awkward comments =p Met ara for the first time in a couple of weeks too and it feels like an eternity when i dont see him for a few weeks.

Not too sure what to expect after the end of my course, not sure where i will be discarded to since most units wont want me if i am to serve for less than a year. Even more uncertain on whether fabregas will leave arsenal or who will wenger get before the start of the season. But one thing is certain and its the fact that i am NOT looking forward to thailand with its suck shit weather and state of emergency. oh well see you world in 2 weeks and more

2010-07-04T04:17:00.000-07:00

and i find myself going down that slippery slope once again. I just need to convince myself not everything is as possible as holland winning the world cup.

Reflections Out Loud

2010-06-13T04:01:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how I have already gone through 2 1/2 months on course in the blink of an eye. Its even more amazing how as i passed pasir ris interchange earlier today that it has been 17 months since i first enlisted into BMT on tekong. Its even even more amazing how I am still a trainee 17 months on(probably the only NSF being one)

While army has taken a lot from me, my freedom, my hair, my PSP(i dont even know where it is now), it has given me much more. I have really seen so much, went through one of the worst mind games, went through the toughest of trainings, emerging out of all these a more matured individual who has broadened his horizons. I enlisted as a clubs and society person having never ever been from a sports CCA although i must quantify that I was in badminton from year 2000-2001 but of course that hardly counts for anything. Today i find myself breaking barriers i never thought i would have been able to physically and mentally.I find myself getting over so much disappointment in my personal life a stronger person. But most importantly amidst all these, I have been able to keep those dear to me close even now. Those who matter to me, ara ben ben xh and my beloved s42, my favorite gals jeanne and cam, darren ho binti shane jiayi and the council peeps, dy dog wg lulu and my other sji homies, chin hao and my universal friend phua hsuan te,the OG that never seems to be forgotten ch zh thomas shannon and finally the cute bandito along with the jokes zhang and matt. I am glad I am still in active contact with all these people even with my very restrictive training schedule now.

Why am i thinking of these you might ask but with my definite departure for the UK next year, i have taken quite a fair bit of time in thinking about all these. Family, friends, those i care for , those i love along with my own expectations and what i hope to achieve in the next 10 years. I hereby declare this day as the day i pledge never to let the above mentioned to ever slip out of my life evn in the UK so you guys(those who read this) better not forget me too!

Meanwhile I have more or less decided to extend my ORD till May next year regardless of whether i decide to sign on for life. The second half of FAOCC awaits me next week starting with CSB and 12 more weeks till i am through!

2010-06-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

IPPT Gold at last, 3D2N outfield, holan, 6km casevec, 2 days OIL, dinner with 1/12 of S42, FTT drama, fail shopping gathering, council outing turn boys night out, killers that killed with boredom and that sums up an awesome week

home!

2010-05-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

After spending the last 20 days in camp with the exception of 1 nights out, it really feels good to be back on my bed even with the irritating painters painter my building. The past 3 weeks are pretty much the most eventful 3 weeks I have had in a long time. Lost 3kg which sadly sheds off more weight to my rather frail physique. Went for ATP and got my marksman which gave me 200dollars courtesy of the SAF. A captain came down one day to tell me that there might be a chance for me to be pushed for june's SMS board(although i doubt it). I find out my promotion to LTA will only be in effect from NOV instead of the JULY i was entitled to. HDB called me 2 days ago to inform me they have offered me an overseas scholarship. Did 24 km last night which ended only at 2ish in the morning. And i read my first ever erotic novel which was passed around the whole platoon like some toy.

Spending just about every moment i had with the cadets and it is so easy to forget that I am an officer on course. I talked to them at the end of yesterday following a very disappointing behavior observed not just by myself but my other spec friends. I told them about what happened to me in Delta and how we should never take our learning for granted or give half-fuck standards for anything. I can empathize with how they feel and the need to want to slack if there is a chance to. I was a cadet once. Its really different giving a stern warning about behavior to a bunch of people older than you while being their brothers and talking shit to them during admin time. I am not sure how much they will listen or even respect me for that matter. But at the end of the day I guess it suffices that I know i did my part as a motivator and perhaps to a certain extent even a mentor to them.

HDB was a pleasant surprise. But it has now left me a very complicated situation. Should i wait for the SMS board that might never come dependent on how the 'fight' for my situation goes. But it now means my ticket to UCL has been bought regardless and its good to finally have something go my way this year. gonna meet just about every group of friends i have in these 2 weekends so here i come social life!

2010-05-09T03:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/267112

Its always amazing how southpark remains so full of shit while depicting current issues rather accurately at the same time.

Had a good weekend the past 2 weeks and met up with just about everybody that mattered. Comforts of camp for the next 2 weekends await me but at least I am enjoying FAOCC.

2010-04-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

Week 1 as an officer-on-course ended today at 1600hrs when i stepped outside Khatib Camp. Culture shock? Definitely so considering how I never expected artillery to be this way and even especially since the last time i booked out at 4pm on a saturday was waaaay back during the awesome delta days almost a year ago.

Its tough being an officer-on-course. I remember telling everyone about the master plan to sign and how the actual conversion never once was the focus. I am glad now that i am going for it now instead of 4 years later although I never did have a choice in this in any case but life goes on.

To have your coursemates addressing you as Sir seems right yet I feel weird when they do so but when they call me by my name instead, it would come as a little surprise to me too. Ironic. What kind of attitude am I to show in the course I am still uncertain. I definitely am not being my usual crappy, lame self. Expectations just seem to overwrite what I am naturally am like. Resisting the temptation to shut my eyes during breaks and even in bunk during office hours, desperately copying down everything that is shown. Every action is scrutinised by the cadets and its a struggle for me to potray myself as an ideal officer who upholds the officer's creed and values. How to be a mentor as well as to put in as much if not more effort than them. Life's tough

Sadly, I think i put waaay to much pressure on myself as correctly pointed out by xinhui. It does my confidence no good however that I failed to get my IPPT gold. The fact I missed out by 1 sec and 1 cm doesnt matter because a failure is a failure. I am disappointed with myself but this gives a huge wake up call to my overconfidence and I now see that empty space on my uniform as my ulitimate motivation to get is back. SOC is next week and I am also uncertain about getting the passing timing of >9mins having last ran SOC in July.

My only consolation is that I am still adapting. Oh well I've been through tougher things before. Or maybe I havent? Nonethless I will keep fighting on. 18 more weeks and i will be through!

2010-04-08T07:38:00.001-07:00

life never cease to amaze me with the bad streak I have had the past 2 weeks.

the whole Suriya BS + left 11B in camp + dad fetch me to wrong camp + hp no batt the day i needed it the most + armskote open on day i am DO + no replies from any uni+ no replies from any scholarship boards+arsenal being raped(not that i can affect it but it affects me)+ miss FTT+ freaking persisitant block nose and the latest to add to wayne's bad luck pool is that i am now officially ineligibe for SMS because I am not a combatant. All these happened the last 10 days. Thanks so much for informing me today on Thursday that I am due to go for FAOCC on Monday. SO that gives me 1 working day to handover whatever I have done to JY. And it gives me 1 weekend to resupply all my essentials for the 5 months course. Yep it could have been worse. It could have been told to me on Monday and I report for course the same day. Now I dont even have time to even do a proper handover of my current job and it comes at a time when I am finally given the help i need to start clearing the shit spilled over from Hansel's time. Ironic. I finally do something useful in this place and I dont get to finish it.

So going for FAOCC now means I need to get reaccessed on my suitability for the award and if i fail to get it, I am looking at a rather bleak outcome of staying in NUS FASS(not that its bad but it isnt what i want) I have no idea why I not heard anything from SMU when others have when pardon my ego, my results more than make the cut for their criteria. I am even more clueless of why I am made to waste 4 hours of my time at psychometric test when I am not eligible for the scholarship although it was not wasted in the end cause i met gan jia hao for the first time in 7 months. I am even more exceptionally lost about this streak i am currently going through. OCS taught me fighting spirit but this is ridiculous. Cant god split the bad luck on a fortnightly basis or something? It at least gives me something to smile about for a week before it turns to frowns the other. I am frustrated. Nothing is going right. Even driving is failing me. I am so hopeless at it I am surprised my teacher has not thrown his temper yet. The FTT fiasco just about summed up my luck the past 2 weeks.

*inserts whole range of obscenities from english to chinese to hokkien and tamil*

well but i remember at least it wasnt all bad. I got to meet a couple of LOCC mates yesterday as well as WG and Lulu last weekend.Ben kang finally initiated a gathering which succeeded although i ended up calling the people. Friends cheer me up and thank god for them. If everything is planned as what was told to me, you are looking at a wayne with limited freedom for the next 5 months so goodbye social life in advance

2010-04-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

Bad luck, bad decisions that hurt and affect me so much the past week that the only positive for this week is that arsenal didnt get raped in the end.fml and tgif(tomorrow)

2010-03-14T05:23:00.000-07:00

Today i watched a review on the latest pokemon game remade on DS and I was very excited about it. Then i remembered i am 20 this year-FML

army army army

2010-03-06T01:17:00.000-08:00

How do men really feel when they have to take orders from a kid 2/3 years their junior. Yesterday i spent a bus journey back thinking about this. I had a first hand experience and indeed, they feel its stupid. In my unit, you are hard pressed to find things to do. You go for lunch at 1315 after lunch break is over at 1300 because you spent it sleeping. You take a shower at 1530 to prepare yourself for book out. And of course you grumble when the young officer asks you to do something him which you think is not important and that it can wait. Then you use the phone(office) for 1 hour to settle your personal issues. And that is where i draw the line. I made a comment(slightly sarcastic perhaps because i really felt tht was too much) 'eh brother got big business isit before' leaving to do my DO check. When i came back, he confronted me cigarette butt in his hand about the use of the word 'brother' and how he doesnt like it. He was surrounded by the other smokers and i wanted to avoid any clashes in front of theother men but that comment ticked me off. So lets just ignore the fact that he was in the wrong and using the OFFICE PHONE for a fucking hour during which someone might have been trying to call for official business. I never liked playing rank but in any other unit, you try somethign like this its probabaly an immediate 14 days. The tone he spoke in, the way he stomped towards me, if not for the fact that he was smaller than me i was seriously half thinking i was going to be bashed up. In that whole lot of bullshit he gave me, he mentioned that army is not his ricebowl and how i should not forget hes older than me. That left me stunned. Once again ignoring the pure stupidity his entire arguement was based on, the fact he mentioned the age issue revealed what he truely felt inside. This was a soldier whom i have been fighting for with the stay out and everything and he shows me this shit. I was utterly disappointed. He said i was scolding him and that even Mdm Ho(his direct superior) wouldnt even care. Sorry my friend thats cause you are dealing with me and i am one who is about work ethics. You can slack and do all that shit you want but when you hog the phone that will affect the running of the department I must step in no matter how much Mdm Ho loves you. The greatest irony, i didnt even think i was scolding him until he reacted the way he did. Wait till you really piss me off.

How big is the ego of a fellow officer? I also got to experience it first hand today. I went back to camp today because i needed to handover my DO duties. I was in quite a rush and because of that i forgot to bring my DO ISAC card which i was supposed to use to submit report. In my heart i knew i was in deep shit and it was a matter of how many extras rather then whether i can get away with it. I did the right thing and called the DSO to apologise and made a verbal report, while assuring him i would get the isac card for my parents(thank god for awesome parents). He dropped me the bomb shell saying what about the update for the tonner accident. I was caught dumbfounded. What accident? "Oh you dont know? I am shocked" before he told me to go find out. That was when my balls really shrank. To not do the report is one thing but to not report an incident, i would be in freaking deep shit for that. So i panicked and exhausted all contacts i had and thankfully managed to get wind of the incident only to find out it was not even in my purview as a KTSC DOO and it was under 1st Transport and they had already done the relevant reporting and it involved 24 SA which explains why the DSO even knew about this. So i called him back and said that only to find out that he already knew about it and did the relevant updating. So essentially, he was just screwing around with me over something he already knew. That my friend is totally fucked up. You dont play your own officers around like this over something so important. I find out that he is a 2LT instead of the CPT i initially thought and that makes it even worse. To that 2LT who did this to me and totally ruined my weekend, heres a huge middle finger to you asshole and i really do not thinkpeople in SOL will do this to each other.

Virgin Drive amongst others

2010-03-01T05:55:00.001-08:00

After waiting for so many months and being extrenlyjealous of my friends who already have their license,i am happy to say that i finally had my first lesson!

It was quite tough and i was as stiff as a block acc to my instructor. It seems that i utterly underestimated the difficulty of driving. But nonetheless it was fun.

Was kept busy the whole day after the long wait for the first ict finally materialized. I must be a retard to some of my friends to be so hopeful about being busy but i always believe in the logic of time passing faster when we are kept occupied. Just like how bsb still occupies my mind after yesterday. Quite surprised at the full house and even more surprised at the number i people i met whom i knew at the concert. So much for it was a primary school obsession and all that bs. Bsb ftw and i was so happy all the songs me and matt kept singing were sung. Next stop 53A!

2010-02-24T05:25:00.000-08:00

Today i met my cousin's ex boyfriend on the bus. It was a little bit surprising and i though for a moment when i saw him we might have just turned away not realizing we knew each other but it turns out i am pretty recgonisable for the way i look and i, tend not to forget people. Anyway point was we had a short but decent conversation about uni and all. Hes in his first year at NTU, on a scholarship and all, it seems he knows what hes doing. I am never in a position to comment but in my opinion he is a totally changed person from the person my cousin broke up with. The power of love? The power of a desire to prove another wrong? My version of the story of their break up is a blur so i cant say for sure but in any case it was good to seeyou today dragon.

Past few nights were spent in camp. Left me just about enough time with BSB on my ipod to get myself geared up for this sunday and also to think about life as i always do. Book in was always going to be a sucky feeling but the past sunday, i booked in more than that being a little bit confused with perhaps a tinge of emoness. But I am glad for friends who are there to talk to me. I am tired and sick of it but some things are just there to stay. And it really sucks.

Had a short msn via OA with nicholas aw today. For people from LOCC, you put these 2 names together and everyone will remember the day we almost fought. Those were really the days. But things have really changed since then, i saw past his flaws, he saw past mine and if we see each other on the streets now i think it wouldnt be that weird. He is going to sign on that dotted line before me albeit without a scholarship or an LSA at best based on what he tells me but it is what he wants and i guess that is what matters.

So what do i really want? Had a short but very mighty indoctrinating sharing by CSPO yesterday at arti aniversary dinner($64 that feels like a $6.40 based on what we ate but i reserve my comments to myself) It turns out i am where i am because of 1 line i said to my EX CO which was 'Sir i am actually a little bit interested in signing on, probably in artillery' and i find myself at a supposed redundant position to know the formation better. I am a little bit surprised but nonetheless glad at the opportunity provided.It makes me want to grasp this opportunity even more. It is true when they say in SAF, they really go all out to attract people to signing on. I dont deny that after that little conversation, i started to get a little bit excited about signing on again. That of course contradicts what i said a few posts back hence the sentence at the start of this para.Meanwhile though, the streetlamps on path B to sime darby remains lit as of now and after tomorrow perhaps things will be become clearer.

I found this song on my cousin's computer recently and remembered the days when it was my favorite song. Somehow i can relate or maybe i am just emo. But screw all that because BSB are coming this sunday and they ROCK(still)

2010-02-14T06:20:00.000-08:00

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Chinese New Year is the time of the year i love and will always look forward to. I get to wear my new clothes(finally), meet the relatives i see once a year and of course theres always the $$.

Rather unfortunately though, i am actually growing older each year, and it seems ang pows and age share an inversely proportional relationship much to my horror. And so does the supposed valuable family quality time spent. But then again 4 hours in my grandpa's house with only my sister anywhere close to my age is boring so i have reason to complain. When I was younger, i remembered making fun out of anything the most memorable one being piggy-backing my then 2 year old cousin and smashing him head first into the cupboard.I recall feeling immensely guilty after that but as i was only in p4, that guilt lasted for 1/2 hr. And even if all that failed, i would always have my trusty pokemon yellow to keep me entertained. Times change though. In a modern technology driven singapore, I regrettably am one without a smartphone which provides the ultimate distraction to awkward and boring situations. As i see my friends including my ex CO twice my age who boast about their tweeder and facebook on their phones, i cant help but reflect whether i am slowly being sucked into obscurity and becoming irrelevant.

But of course i am lying. How can i become irrelevant when i am watching my first season of american idol in season 9. ironic? a little perhaps but nonetheless better late than never. Watching the hollywood stages, i witnessed how many got their dreams shattered. How a country girl left her town for the very first time to go to hollywood and come back disappointed. How some leave their jobs to make that dream come true, to only find out they werent good enough. I used to think i suffered pretty disappointing moments in life in my short 20 years but truth is, more often than not i have not had the feeling of really losing something that i really wanted Rather i would only lose something i prefered more which makes the overall disappointment not too bad in retrospect. This could mean that its a sign i have not found much direction in my life yet.

For all that fuss of signing on the past months, the recent weeks have opened new doors for me. Listening to the stories of the NS men on what the outside world brings and all and how they were all so glad not to have signed on. That fire at the start is slowly but surely diminishing but then again you cant blame me when i am on lull in a non active/support unit now. Truth is i cant lie to myself that every posting will be a bed of roses but really this wasnt really the posting that will tell me YES ARMY IS FOR ME. Because of all these, I really want to go for ex pinnacle. I am praying to all gods(with no offence to either) that head log will allow me to do so. It might re-ignite what has been lost the past weeks.

But if theres one thing i know, i am never sure of what i really want and unfortunately its a trait that might stay for a while. The last lunar calender ended sour for me but hopefully the year of tiger brings about the luck and prosperity i so need with everything. So i shall just go with the flow and see where it brings me to.

Happy CNY once again friends!

I dont want to lead a unit life, i just want to lead a cadet life

2010-01-21T05:23:00.000-08:00

This past week has passed pretty quickly and after staying in for 2 nights in camp for various reasons(no i didnt get extras, it was voluntary), its Friday tomorrow!

A couple of things happened to me this week, some good and some bad. After waiting for almost 2 months, i have finally gotten replies from my UK applications. I got accepted by UCL but rejected by LSE. I cant say I am entirely happy though i must stress that getting a place in UCL is still a definite cause for joy. My hotel has been booked but i am still lacking the plane ticket. Sime Darby seems a lost cause. Evidently the brain detoriation is far more severe than expected but in any case this will go under the 'failed attempts' section in my life.

Basically what all this means is that an army scholarship is my last decent chance of getting that ticket overseas. I dont really see a point trying for all other scholarships but not liking the job and the army career is one damn bloody good prospect i cant seem to overlook in deciding my career although i will probably leave this August if i get offered which is a prospect my mum is finding hard to take. Sadly too, the past few days have been tough in unit for me. Seeing commanders who cant seem to be decisive is one thing. But to say that the welfare of the men is important when you want the guys to stay in next week with toilets that are as damaged as Lord Voldermot's soul(attempted nerd joke) with fans that dont work. You must be fucking joking seriously. And you wonder why the unit is doing so poorly.

'You so good you go do the job lah'. Most will say that. I cant deny though that I have no confidence in handling things any better in his position. But nonetheless, surely there is a need to explain why a 14 days SOL is reasonable enough a punishment from their perspective for a first time latecomer and not get US to do the dirty work for you. To let the men feel that WE do not do anthing to help them. Why not come down for once and really explain things. OCS has clouded our minds. It has clouded mine too. Now after experiencing unit life, I feel disguntled with the system. I feel irritated having to be in an environment where I cant do shit. Its tough when you are one with so much ambition, one who dreams so much on how to help his men and to inspire them having none under his charge at all. Its an utter joke to be honest. It doesnt make me any happier to hear that my upper study had so much free time that the men all felt he did nothing. It definitely does my confidence no good that each time when they come to ask me to make a decision, i have to say go ask QM because he is the one with the rights as the department head, not me. To put things really crudely, my job can be done pretty dam easily by a 3SG or perhaps even a CPL.

I had a talk with my AO the day before about this and he told me but isnt this why people choose to sign on? To want to change a seemingly ineffective system and to truely be the difference that their officer couldnt be. I have heard my fair share of inspirational stories and how if you can change the life of one of your men, you have done a good job etc. I really want to be like that but i find myself in a situation where the desire far exceeds the possibility. I cant do too much or say too much because much of this should be done by the department head. The battle between my own ego and the need to respect the proper hierachy is one that is constantly being fought within. I am glad however that the QM is a friend of mine from SOL, one whom i pretty respect even during my cadet days. It has made things much easier that he understands who I am and how i function and how he always tries to include me in the know although to be very rigid about jobscopes, he neednt do so. I am thankful for that.

I am going for ULOC at a much better place next week and the prospect is pretty exciting. To see the familiar faces is a much better deal than having to only bring bad news to the men each day before RO. 3 weeks is a lot of time, many thigns can change and I pray that things will turn for the better once i return back to KTSC.

post 360

2010-01-11T03:54:00.000-08:00

360 posts. The very fact that I have been slowly but surely reaching this milestone on this blog whose URL was inspired by a dragonball character never ceases to amaze me. How I still come to this place to pen down my thoughts and reflections although i must admit i am pretty lazy to write everything down at times. Why is 360 a milestone you might ask. I personally do not have an answer but i have always been fascinated with the number 360. I have been in a reflective mode of late probably inspired from msn convos i have had with a couple of my friends over the week due to the privilege of staying out. I would rather stay in cause i get to save money and spend less on the outside meals and all but thats the problem with chinese, we are never happy with what we have no matter how good it might seem to be. But i digress.

I started this blog in the last decade after 2 very good friends of mine javier and wangguan began blogging. Perhaps I was just following the trend then. Or maybe i was going through the teenage phase where I felt compelled to pen down my thoughts about school, stress and all that crap a teenager goes through. Whatever the case, i started this with the help of the 2 of them and an interesting fact is that all the different templates of my blog have been created by either of those 2 sluts. What began with the daily rants of an ah lian teengae boy "OMG! I saw not 1 not 2 but 3 trans at plaza today...omg lar..its like at foodcourt rite, got this grp of 6 women(seemingly). but then look twice rite can see got half is fake de. wa lau. got boobs and long hair also " soon became an avenue for me to pen down significant moments in my life thus far.SJI, Band investiture 05/06, the last day of SJI, Perth, Renaissance Gold, O level results, A level results, VJC, Army. Unlike most of my friends(actually mostly girls), I have never really had the habit of having secret posts or a locked blog where i choose not to publish certain things for all to view. In that same aspect I have been pretty open in what i write after reading through some of the more significant posts. Reading this open book about my life(in a very literal sense) really brings back many wonderful memories on how i matured as a person over the years(i would like to think i grew up), how i got over the ah lian style writing. I am still amazed that i used to talk/type like this. Okay maybe I still do so but of course thats not the point. Most importantly though it reminded me how I have had and still have the luxury of being friends with truely great mates that i can always count on.

Being in KTSC for the past weeks has been an eye opening experience. I might think my life sucks after being rejected by 3 scholarship boards, i might think it sucks because I have had no luck with my love life, i might think it sucks because I am doing practically nothing at camp now. But a short 2 weeks of interacting with the men really opened my eyes to how wrong I was, perhaps even utterly foolish to think this way. Financial problems, domestic problems, criminal charges, these are just some of the day to day problems some of them face and talk to me about. How being able to moonlight to earn an extra 60 dollars a week is the only thing they hope for and how some of them only hope to learn as much as possible from being a clerk in the SAF and nothing else and also how some of them tell me how lucky i am to get the opportunity to go to OCS while they do not even have the chance. I am rather fortunate compared to many of them. Being able to grow up in a sheltered environment with very loving and supportive family members behind me in everything i do, with friends whom i can hang out with week after week and still not be sick of them, with the ability to buy a pair of shoes costing almost $100 without so much as a blink of an eye. Sure there are those who are doing way better than me but life aint too shabby for me after all. 3 weeks into officership and i have already felt that i have seen and learned so much. I am that much closer to signing on that dotted line.

1 year on, 2 years on, 10 years on, i wont not know if i will continue to blog at a frequency as i do now(which is actually not very often) but one thing for sure is that this blog will always be the custodian of the memories of just about the most memorable years in my life.

happy 360 post www.buuhx.blogspot.com and may we share more memorable posts together in the coming years

army days(delta part 2)

2010-01-01T20:36:00.000-08:00

While talks about EI and the different arms became the highlight of conversation topics for quite a while, the plong too identity became stronger as the weeks gone by. First platoon as we were proud to be known as, we experienced warm jacket and probably had the only cps in history to turn out his own platoon. ming fui ftw and his legendary act will be passed down from generation to generation in times to come.

My most memorable moment in outfield was during service term and i fondly recall how i could not sleep the whole night as i was being attacked by a swarm of BIG RED ANTS. In the end as i was so dam shag, i dunno how i managed it but i just dragged my groundsheet by about 1m and just went back to sleep. With talks of a 16km route march spreading all around after this fieldcamp which included navigation, morale was naturally low. But after we cleared the RAI, we boarded a bus back to wingline. How wrong i was when i thought it was cancelled. We eventually embarked on it at 7pm(see what i mean about the mind games). i fondly recall the march for extreme fighting spirit with many of my friends suffering from sever groin/ass abrasion and how they used the SAF solution to all problems black tape in order to perservere on and eventually complete the march.

Had a brief stint with OCCing when i suddenly had a shortness of breath for 2 weeks. But i absolutely refused to report to the MO against the strong wishes of my mum because i know if i did, i will be sitting in SAFTI MI being SSM's runner now. It was on the eve of scorpion king where i was appointed CPS that this thing arised(stress? to date i still cant find a medical reason but it recovered on its own eventually). You would think that life is fair and that god could choose a better time for my assessment to come or perhaps an easier task because at that time i wouldnt have imagined myself to be chosen to be an appointent holder because i felt i was pretty cui and there were better people who could do a better job. But yeah i sucked thumb and alot of air and endured what would be the most tiring outfield of my life. To be honest i barely dug, but having to do rounds after rounds in the wee hours of the morning while permanently doing stores to help ease the load of my guys as much as possible and trying my best not to remember anything from the horror movie we watched during 'tactical halt' is no joke. I must admit i am an utter wuss and i cant watch scary movies. Scorpion King opened my eyes to how cooperative everyone is. Unfortunately i cant really say the same for LOCC at times so sorry to you guys. How when i said eh sect comms i need men do conc wire. No matter how shag, i would still have the correct number of people going to do although i must add they were always late but i can totally understand. I was god dam shit ass shag myself from the lack of sleep. A funny moment came when i was checking on the conc wire people only to see them sleeping at the fence in front of the lighted buildings in a straight row. 2 things came to mind, if instructors came we would have been screwed as i dont think we were even supposed to go there and they really found the more obvious place possible to be sleeping. But i must confess i joined them and slept for a while because i didnt want to wake them up and i myself was god dam shit ass shag as i mentioned earlier.

Scorpion king ended and with that just about all the regimentation. Memorable moments included myself causing a mutual hatred to a certain guy after my bitching to my buddy was overheard by some dude and it soon spread like wildfire during what seemed like a harmless rest period at platoon live firing. I feel sad for the guy actually contrary to very popular belief but in any case hes happier now so yeah good for him. Successful and all(no sarcasm i swear)

The day of 24 km is one day i will never forget. It was the day the much heavily anticipated postings were to be announced and everyone was excited. That night is still firmly imprinted in my mind. It was approx 2000hrs. Route march was scheduled to begin at 9 if i rmb correctly. Wing comm gathered all of us. He stood tall on the landrover(or did he sit?). Made a small speech then proceded to announce. Some squatted, I sat cause i cant squat each eagerly awaiting the next name to be called and to hear something that didnt start with I for most people. After each name, there was the trademark OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and the ARGHHHHHHHHH followed by a very rousing applause although the logic behind is something i fail to understand till now but i am nevertheless guilty of it. Then my name came. Wayne, ATO. Immediately, familiar faces came starring back at me smiling gleefully(along with the usual hoos and haas) and it was exactly what i wanted, thats what an outsider would have thought. But no one knew what the hell was an ATO actually and only one thing similarly was going through my mind though and that was WTF is an ATO man? No one could give me an answer. Quotes instructor 'not infantry correct already. ' lol wtf but yeah i endured a whole march not knowing my fate. Imagine the pain and agony. Army transport officer, army tactics officer were just a few of the wild guesses people were throwing.

It turned out to be army technical officer and also part of logistics. And the next few days were crazy. Had eyes so swollen that i would have been a disaster if there was social night so yeah thank god for shaoyi who had suspected h1n1 cause i think i would have scared the shit out of jeanne if she went with my face in such horrendous condition. I must emphasize and add i am still dam pissed no one left me any food that night although i paid for 2 portions because i was forced to report sick. yeah thanks faizal for that by the way. making me report sick with a temp of 37.7. Its quite zzz but i guess i can understand, everyone was fearful of h1n1 at that time. Of course the 1 day confinement shit that followed was real lame but i think signals lesson would have been lamer. at least i could slack and sleep in bunk while waiting for nothing.

4 days from that march and i found myself on a 0200 flight to Brunei. My new adventure in LOCC and before that socjot awaited and I didnt even have time to properly say goodbye to everyone. Everything happened too quickly.

army days(delta part 1)

2009-12-26T08:52:00.000-08:00

The conclusion of block leave saw my next adventure at SAFTI MI. Until recently, i have never understood the concept behind SAF training institute, military institute. it was like saying SAFAF, singapore armed forces, air force. But yeah i eventually found out it was a historical thing which i think no one would be interested in so i wont talk about it.

Day 1 of OCS was also memorable(as with BMT) for quite a few reasons. 1)I was late 2)I received the sticker D2 which effectively ended my life for about 3 seconds before i was brought back to reality 3) LTA faizal's fist introduction was when you speak you begin with sir and you end with sir.

That essentially stated the tone and what to expect from the course. I have heard my fair share of stories of Delta and how the last batch got it bad from the siao wing comm. How as the scholar wing there is more assessment and all. So when i got saw that sticker D2 it was as if the worst nightmare was happening. As we went to the parade square, i was glad that i was not alone. Far from it in fact. Hsuan Te, Chin Hao, Calvin Han, Jared Chew, Shaun Ware just to name a few of the people in my platoon. At least i know i wont be going through this alone.

Delta did not fail to live up to its reputation. We did so many push ups that i believe it suppressed my BMT record within 3 days. However the instructors were nice. The PCs and the APCs were as put in their own words 'different kind of delta instructors'. I eventually learned in joint term that they had taken a different approach from the other platoons. We have the honor of being perhaps one of the few wings in history to be so well versed in fire drills that we fell in faster than foxtrot for their fire drill. I got to experience the change parade of my life which lasted 45 minutes. That was CLM for you. You leave the bunk when its all dark and you arrive back at your bunk when its all dark.

The end of CLM also spelt one of the darkest periods of my army life. My buddy jared chew who happens to be a classmate of mine in SJI and shaun ware a dam good friend of mine both left delta for mids and air respectively. Up to that point of time, i was contented with my social network being limited to those people i knew and i spent just about all my admin time in either shaun's bunk or my own. The departure of the 2 of them left me pretty empty and lost to be honest, something i have not felt in quite a while. It could be the sucky CLM which caused my morale to be even lower. Admittedly, i became more heck care after they both left and being the only one without a buddy certainly did not help.

This was the build up to the single day i probably will never forget for the rest of army and even the rest of my life. It was the day before book out. The agenda was simple. Complete a live firing, go back clean arms and rest for book out. It was the 3rd week of OCS. The confinement was taking its toll on me mentally. I still rememeber the anticiapation and how elated i was to see my family come down for OCS family day visit. OCS has this uncanny knack of being able to manipulate your emotions(in my opinion) with the various trainings and things they do. The prospect of book out made everyone motivated. At the end of the night shot. It was almost 11 pm. Instead of a bus ride, we were treated to our first ever fast march. At almost midnight, we embarked on the single most crazy activity to do at such an unearthly hour. Till date, that march remains one of the toughest thing i have gone through in army and the one thing that really pushed me to both my combat and physical limits. But then again my PC was being crazy and walking real quickly. At then end of a tiring march like that, it would make sense to take a rest and drink water slowly. But no, a particular conducting officer chose to make us drink the full bottle. At that point i was foaming and to ask me to down a full bottle was almost impossible. After some time, the usual whos stil drinking was asked. I was not done but i know i cant finish it and my other friends cant too so a particular gavin yap told me to just keep silent. We were told to tilt our bottles and of course lots of water came out from mine. Immediately, i was singled out, yelled at for integrity and all that BS and was made to carry on 40. That was the first time i have in my whole life (even in school) been publicly scolded for something.

That embarrassment, that lost in pride really shook me. Following that whole drama was cleaning of arms. You would think after stepping into shit, you wont think your luck is that bad that you would fall into pee next. But as fate would have it, my PWO came to ask me what i was doing(because i was doing shit when cleaning arms). To be honest, my mind wasnt thinking too straight from the fast march and also the scolding earlier and i just said somethign to humour him. Immediately, he proved what i said was untrue and what happened next was a yelling from him that could have woken up people at the parade square even. I was stunned from it. Till date, no one else has experienced the wrath of WO HOO except for me and the things he said and the way he said it made me feel very small. I have lost all pride and confidence i had. I was shattered. That night was the one and only time i ever cried in camp. I had never felt lower before. Cruel, but i learned the hard way. It was a wake up call to my attitude i was showing in OCS thus far. My life would never be the same after that.

The story i just shared is something i have not told quite a lot of people and following that, i was really emo. In school you were emo over results, studies, girls and whatever stress a teenager goes through. My integrity was questioned, my attitude was questioned, this was enough for me to reflect the whole night. I could not sleep that night. My confidence shattered, my ego broken thats the feeling i got as i booked out. But i remember that night too for those who came to console me almost immediately and seemed to understand what i was going through. They were edmund and hsuan te and it was at that point of time i felt slightly glad for them in delta. They will both go on to be people i talk to rather often for the rest of service term.

The first 3 weeks of OCS gave me a very clear picture that this was no BMT. But i was glad for all the smses from my friends which gave me support along the way as it was not my nature to sms people esp in a period where i had such limited admin time.

Putting that few weeks behind me as much as possible, i carried on with the rest of service term. OOCs certs were being distributed with relative ease and it was so funny how we started section fieldcamp with 6 men out of the usual 8-10 despite having 2 men transferred over to us a week prior to fieldcamp. The 10 days fieldcamp that followed was the longest outfield deployment we had till date although we had the privillege of sleeping on safari beds. Fire movments were abundant as were the wild boars which attacked my whole section's fieldpacks except for me. 8 km with extra load at the end of 10 days with not much sleep was not as shag as the 100 push ups wing comm made us do after that although much of it was in an army context half fuck by the time we reached 50. And so we conquered the 10 days section fieldcamp and by then it was midway through service term.

The weeks were just flying by and the 5 1/2 work week was doing serious damage to my social life but i still found time to meet up with all my friends as much as possible. Platoon live firing was the next high point for me in service term. Feeling the ground vibrate as the bangalore exploded was as orgasmic as firing the GPMG during live firing and it was then when i enjoyed live firings for the first time and the war feeling really got my adrenaline pumping as what i remembered.

With a few weeks to go before the end of service term, delta finally got to do their EI survey although we were falsly convinced that all of will be staying anyway and i indicated signals although i was secretly ok with staying in infantry...

army days(tekong)

2009-12-19T08:04:00.000-08:00

i still remember the day of enlistment. 080109. green esprit t-shirt, topman jeans, billabong bag, ugly black rubber watch as i left the civilian world and entered the military. i remember the anticipation, i remember the pledge we made which i now know was the SAF pledge,i remember the first person i met- ashley ng ding wen. i remember the ridiculously heavy duffel bag which i had to bring up 4 levels sweating like a dog in the process, i remember how the dinner we got seemed so different from the quality of lunch when our parents were there.

that was my first day of the army. vividly at the back of my head. coming into the army was not very tough to take for me. regimentation was something i had experienced before back in SJIMB. it was not very comforting though to know that i was lost in platoon 4 gryphon company. I realised i had no good friends in there. things changed however that night when i moved to platoon 2 where ben ben happened to be along with calvin and joel the latter 2 being in the same section as me even. And from then, life was much better. It felt good to have someone to bitch with right from day 1 and to know that someone will have your back no matter what. We went into full swing PT training for the first few weeks. Then fieldcamp came. Powderbaths and lying half naked on groundsheets with your buddy was god dam gay but it was fun to talk about the different issues of an NSF like girls they liked and the upcoming A level results. I remember me and joel literally lying there for a good 2 hours just reminiscing about anything under the sun. Fieldcamp is best remembered by the turn out at 4 55 am in the mornining with the usual bombardment of 'arti' shells. The shouting and yelling was the usual but the tekan for the next 1 1/2 hours was not. I cant remmeber a time when i held push up position for so long and i recall eating our breakfast when all the drama was over as the sky started to light up. Tough trainining is good trainining is what they always say. I had to cope with the disappointment of being let down by the administration at BMTC during fieldcamp for my PSC interview but as i always say, thats life. Another thing i remember fondly in BMT was being part of the drill squad. Pride honour displine, that was everything drill squad meant for me. Most of my friends have probably heard me say it before but despite not being the most proficient in drills, it is something i loved and i have always dreamed of being parade commander for NDP someday. Training hard at night as the company watches on with their abundance of admin time might have seemed a bad deal for us but when we attained a rather respectable 4th place, it was worth it. Drills has and will always be my passion.

Gryhpon company is perhaps second to only kestrel in school 1 in terms of tougness of training. Running in SBO for 1km might not seem so tough a feat now but back then it was really different. My 2.4km timing improved by almost 20 seconds from my JC timing but unfortunately it was not enough for that gold. The instructors there were in my opinion fairly professional, sure there were those who cant talk for nuts but amongst the sergeants there are a few i really respect and perhaps that inspired me to want to be a sergeant. Getting to interact closely with 6 men as opposed of trying to understand 27 seems to be a better choice as i felt that the time spent with fewer men meant i could influence their lives better. However i learned in OCS that all this is dependent on the commander himself. A battalion CO can know all 500 of his men well if he truely wanted to. Stupid it might seem to just wanting to be a specialist but eventually pride got the better of me and i still indicated wanting to be an officer.

In the final weeks building up to 24 km, it was really when i got to love my section so much. The constant bitchings with shariff and jonathan khoo was as memorable as chun hiang infamous figure 15. They all grew accustomed to my sexion 2 alarm and i could sense the brotherhood amongst most of us. As we embarked on the 24 km and as my PC MrJack Alvin Hu sang that song which i love so much, it dawned on me that our 9 weeks together was ending. It seemed so fast perhaps even cruel as to why BMT needed to end so quickly.

To my ex buddy Joel Foo, thanks for being such a great buddy. It was really awesome to have you go through the shit with me and thanks for all the many htht we shared during fieldcamp, i really got to know you much better. To a very important friend, ben ben, though i have never openly said it, i was raelly really dam elated when i found that you were in the same platoon as me. Despite your sarcasm at times =p, you have really helped me pull through with your encrouragement. I cant imagine a BMT without having you to bitch with and to run with and to do push-ups with. You are one reason my BMT experience was awesome.

So the conclusion of BMT meant an awsome block leave. OCS beckons and the next journey in the army awaits..

2009-12-12T21:59:00.001-08:00

6 days!

As i stand on the brink of commissioning, it is an awesome feeling that i cant describe. I can even overlook the retarded ACPC which appoints me an officer on friday but it is only valid on the 20th onwards so why bother giving us now huh. In any case, being awarded my sword would mark another major milestone in my short life thus far. Being CWC in joint term has been pretty tough. Got owned again by the favorite instructor. Somehow after all these months, the fear of talking to him is prevalent. The only officer that i fumble when i talk to and i guess some things dont change. It feel lousy being criticised when you think you are trying your best. I never expected it to be a walk in the park but it is pretty dam sucky that people just love complaining and fail to emphatise. i guess i myself am guilty of it at times. But whos to blame? from everything from uniform to discpline, it was literally done from scratch. SURE i need to have an officer mindset and take initiative but leaving me with 0 to start with is bit ridiculous dont you think.but i am glad for y fellow appointment holders esp matthew who has been darn efficient.

Watched 2 movies yesterday, christmas carol and storm warriors. Christmas carol was random and i read reviews saying it was not bad so i decided to watch it and yeah it was ok. But my main focus however would be storm warriors. I only have 3 letters to describe this movie and it is WTF! From start to end, this show made as much sense as a singing monkey. It was an utter joke and i was very surprised no one walked out before the show ended. But the good thing is i watched it wth my dad so i didnt need topay a single cent yay!

6 days and perhaps gedong is what awaits me.I guess i will reflect more on army after i commission. PSC and Sime Darby applications are waiting for me

totally random but they are still awesome. xoxo bsb yo

36 weeks..

2009-12-05T20:22:00.000-08:00

and joint term is finally here! the anticipation, the excitement, the peak cap and more. being back at safti MI minus the ridiculous marching distance to the parade square is much cause for happiness for me. i finally got my dream of being a contingent commander fulfilled though i know my drills needs quite a bit of brushing up but i am confident i can do it. To work towards something and get it actually feels dam good.

Met darren yesterday and he mentioned how i seemed to be happier now with things going my way and i realise its kind of true. 6 months ago, i was probably at the lowest point in my life. everything seemed to be going wrong. how much difference a few months makes. things are slowly picking up and lets hope this continues on for the next year too

13 days!

2009-11-22T01:23:00.000-08:00

so the past few weeks following ROC have come and gone pretty quickly. OETI was indeed paradise and it was an awesome experience. Never in my army life have i ever been home on weeknights with the exception of block leaves. and before i know it, its 4 weeks more to that day. going back to Delta for joint term is indeed a cause for excitement.

met up with dhil , XD and darren(for abt 1/2 hr) for a rather failed exco dinner but it was still awesome nevertheless as we caught up and talked about life and all. especially XD who i have not talked to in quite a while. had a short discussion about studying overseas and suddenly, i am struggling to find myself a reason to go overseas. ironically, it comes at a time when my UK apps are finally sent. yah thanks mr cook btw you finally got it right. i stumbled upon au yong's blog and read about how he was missing home all so much. XD also made a good point about us potentially missing out on a good local uni experience if we choose to go abroad. but then again, wont missing out on an overseas experience be as bad? 2 things i know for sure if i really make it abroad. 1)i will miss home like hell and 2)i will miss everyone from family to friends. its still early days as with the NS liability my projected year of study is 2011 but since the talk yesterday, i cant help but question myself whether i have really thought it through before applying in the first place. i guess i can always reject it if the situation calls for it.

back to army and i am graduating from SOL in a mere 3 days time. the place is wonderful and the experience will be always remembered but the leadership there can be questioned at times but oh well. the problem with humans is that we complain the most about what we see without going through it on our own. so i shouldnt complain too much, after all i cant deny that i have learned much from this course. i guess a tribute post to SOL will come soon.

Singapore upon my chest

2009-11-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

My mind have been basically filled with thoughts about signing on the past week. The prospects just seem so promising if i do manage to get the scholarship. To be fair, i have always been okay about serving the nation not so much because of my patriotism but rather the life in army. Perhaps i have always liked regimentation. Nevertheless i am glad for this reason that i am in OCS and that i am given this option as a career. I used to think it was a last resort. Now i believe its a viable option but its early days. Come March and thats when i shall see. 6 more weeks!

Anyway caught up ben ben and jerms to watch a really retarded Jennifer's Body. Glad to see them again after 6 weeks. had a good time catching up and window shopping. haha. Life in OETI is awesome and a part of me wishes we do not need to book back to kranji for consolidation

back

2009-10-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

i have just gone through the last of my ops phase in LOCC so i guess its significant enough for me to blog about it. Taiwan was awesome tbh and i really think it was a good end to all we've been through the past 31 weeks in OCS or more specifically the past 15 weeks in LOCC. To cut the long story short, my taiwan experience can be summarised in a few words mainly topo, forbidden fruits,command post x 100, pee, camou, 16km, tai meis. along the trip i found out that i might be one of the candidates to become an instructor. Kinda neutral about it but i guess we will see.

Got to meet up with quite a few of my friends the few days i have been back. The highlight has to be the events of a few hours ago where we were supposed to 'dress up' for halloween and own the streets. Yeah so i went as a cool dude which is basically myself with a pair of sunglasses. admire the originality. Looking at the pictures i took, the same lame pose was prevalent but its too late to do anything. More significantly however, when we took to the streets we were owned by terrorists, killer butchers with costumes that rocked. I guess there will always be next year.

OETI awaits me on monday and its only 7 more weeks! Even seeing the police OCTs commissioning photos will not dampen this high morale.

2009-10-07T04:02:00.000-07:00

Okay i know the last post was the supposed last post but too bad i lied. I feel compelled to talk about an issue that really has no reason to be an issue. Yes i am talking about RIS LOW, disgraced, humuliated, stoned, battered, slaughtered, and many more by the media.

You see here, the problem is that what intially started off as a dream has fast turned into a HUGE nightmare for her in a matter of weeks. And the best part is that it didnt have to be this way. Because who gives a shit if she suffers from mental illness. who gives a shit if she stole. who gives a shit if she was involved in credit fraud. Is she becoming the next first lady, or perhaps the secretary of state? NO! Shes just representing singpore in a competition for bimbos. Just look at the representatives from US and you will know. Honestly i cant really care less. 1) shes not pretty(LOL jk) 2) its not an issue of national security(reading dan brown has over dramatized me) 3)i am in army so i cant watch the competitions anyway.

But ulitmately, what i am trying to drive at is, there is a sincere case of over reporting this seemingly small issue. pull her out, put in the replacement then close shop and start everything anew. whats the point in digging up her past(which if true is pretty messed up but i am not one to judge) Its like using a bayonet to stab the enemy 692 times after you already shot him dead. Kick the woman out and move on. there are so many more important issues in life. like AIDS, world peace, Arsenal and all.

So yeah Ris Low will love me now for protecting her but thats not important. What is important is that we must stop this probing. You know if i were her, i will totally slaughter my friend who made me take part in this. I can already imagine the conversation between her friends.

Friend: Hi miss singapore universe 2009!
Riz:No longer i am. i got kicked out =(
Friend: OMG!!! WHY????!!!
Riz:They dug up my past and cut me real deep with their attacks in the papers =((
Friend:oh no. its ok! you still have us your dear wonderful friends =D
Riz: FRIENDS? FRIENDS? FRIENDS? YOU PIECES OF SHIT MADE ME TAKE PART IN THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU KNEW I HAD A PAST AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME SINGAPORE PLACES SUCH AN EMPHASIS ON THEIR MISS UNIVERSE? YOU GUYS SCREWED ME UP! YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU GUYS ARE TO BLAME FOR ALL OF THESE!I CANT FIND A JOB ANYMORE. MY LIFE IS RUINED. YOU BETTER BE WARY IN YOUR SLEEP. YOU WILL GET YOUR RETRIBUTION

Next Day:
Disgraced Ris Low charged for murder of best friend

In a shocking case of a feud between friends, the already disgraced Ris Low now faces lifetime imprisonment for the homocide of best friend Lily Chiang.........

And that my friends, is the ugly truth if things go out of hand. With that i say goodbye to all once again. Taiwan awaits me and the road to commissioning continues to shorten

2009-10-06T05:11:00.000-07:00

integration exercise last week concluded ops phase in my LOCC course and the end of ops phase has made me inch a step closer towards signing on although i still am not entirely sure. but one thing for sure is that logisitcs is not the place to stay in such a scenario. in just 24 hrs, marvelous meilin awaits me in terrific taiwan as i board the awesome airplane of excellent EVA.

In unrelated news, i caught surrogates on monday after a short visit to NTU which incidentally is MOTHER FREAKING FAR from my home with a couple of the army dudes and it led me to kind of reflect on how far can technology go before it fully engulfs us as depicted in the show. As it is, we are using robots to do our menial task, and just today i read this http://technology.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/tech_and_web/article6012364.ece defects, perceived imperfections are just a few reasons why this idea might become popular in the future. How many of us can truely say they are happy with the way they look, or daring enough to do the most dangerous stunts in their current states. Thankfully,although most of us have conceivable flaws, it is not sufficient for us to think too much into it. At least thats what i feel. Nevertheless is the pursuit for science really essential? Arent we happy with what we have already? With the exceptions of health care and more specifically cancer and AIDS(even then recent research shows positive signs in finding a cure), I personally feel that the amount of technology we have is sufficient. i have my laptop, i have my internet, i have my aircon. But of course i am a simple army boy who is easily satisified and this might not be reflective of society.

Back to the present and i guess this is my last post before ROC. Will be back in 22 days!

2009-09-27T04:03:00.001-07:00

most kids stop celebrating birthdays by the time they are 18. perhaps with the exception of the 21st birthday cause thats pretty significant. but nevertheless i am thankful my mum organized yesterday's party for me but no so thankful for being really stressed over it. nevertheless it was great seeing all my friends again and it felt like school all over again. thank you to one and all who came. i am sorry i could not talk to everyone of you. it was an unforgettable day for many other reasons and i really am thankful for the friends i have. would want to blog more but alas book in awaits me so i guess it will have to wait till next time

commissioning

2009-09-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

3 more weeks to ROC
7 more weeks to specialization
10 more weeks to Joint Term
13 more weeks to commissioning

yesterday was the commissioning of Charlie and Hotel Officer Cadets. Unlike the counterparts from the infantry, i did not need to help out with the duties. Till date, i have not witnessed a commissioning parade. Even in service term, delta was excused from duty due to upcoming scorpion king then. I have heard many stories about it and how it is the single best day of his life for some and no doubt i am very very very very very eager to feel how it is like. It has been a long and tiring journey so far. I dont deny that seeing my friends getting their 3SG ranks and already in their new units are definite causes for envy on my part. The fact that the specialists' pay is going to rise provides no consolation. I fondly recall during week 2 of OCS when Hsuan Te was "set to sign on as a pilot" and that we were only 259 days from commissioning. How time seems to fly. We are now a mere 91 days away. No sarcasm intended, time passes real quickly. Shane and I were having a similar conversation about how time is passing so quickly and it is now almost a full year since our prelims last year. 91 days to go before i experience the best day of my life. Thats a pretty dam good source of motivation for me. Even the tragic defeat of arsenal yesterday will not dampen this. Not too much at least.

2009-09-05T02:16:00.000-07:00

greeted from my nap with quarrels. so much for talking over nicely. fucked up

暗恋

2009-08-30T04:21:00.000-07:00

昨晚又再见到你你还是那么美丽
我紧张到话都不会说就傻傻看着你
渴望永远这距离就是和你在一起
醒来发现这一切都只是我的梦境

告诉自己要冷静却又无法不想你
我的懦弱已经开始让我讨厌我自己
是你对我有戒心还是我没有自信
可是谁也不能阻止我我要暗恋你
So lonely

So here I am standing all alone
在某个街头有个我在这里只为你等候
Here I am waiting just for you
开放我所有希望你能了解你能够接受
So lonely

今晚渴望再见你虽然只是在梦想
短暂的甜蜜也胜过了一辈子没有你
就算没快乐结局就算从此死了心
我要付出我所有诚意只要能感动你
我愿意

So lonely so here I am standing all alone
在某个街头有个我在这里只为你等候
Here I am waiting just for you
开放我所有我要为你怎么做你才接受我 (才接受我)
我喜欢你 (我喜欢你) 我要你 (我要你) 我爱你

So here I am standing all alone(standing all alone)
在某个街头有个我在这里只为你等候
So here I am waiting just for you
开放我所有希望你能了解你能够接受
I'm lonely

故事就说到这里就算你们再好奇
我想说的都已说完了其余是秘密
在那某一个街头会流传某个旋律
那是我在轻轻唱着歌我多爱你Janine

2009-08-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

been quite awhile since i came here. army is getting more interesting unfortunately what i do now is no where close to the mundane posting i will get next year and i guess it sucks. uni has started for the girls and unfortunately i am not hearing very positive things about it. i cant imagine how my extremely degenerated brain is going to cope and adapt back to studying in 2011. only time will tell.

been doing quite a bit of thinking, more so than i have done in quite a while. not too sure if its a good or bad thing. some old issues some new issues but as quoted in harry potter in the half blood prince its pretty much some 'dark times' for me. haha. managed to catch up with some of the class people after so many weeks and for all that hype about it, it was just okay in my opinion. i think that pretty much concluded my movie spree for the next few weeks at least since most of the new movies like final destination is just pure rubbish.

the score now reads man u 2-1 arsenal woe is me

2009-08-07T09:57:00.001-07:00

back from an awesome OETI experience. instructors were nice, we got our first nights out ever but the only thing that dampened the entire mood was how i still cant see myself fitting well into this new role i am given in army. but lifes like this and i guess i will find my purpose behind all these come December.There was a period of time when i was enjoying army so much that i seriously considered signing on. But these past weeks practically destroyed any inklings of this. I just need to suck thumb and move on.

Anyway went to send off the infantry dudes last night. it was quite heartwarming to see so many of the ex platoon 2 guys who still like me find a sense of belonging in delta wing. i might even be crazy enough to suggest that i would not mind going through service term with all these guys again. rewinding a litte bit and i also met up with my OG. while most people now hang out with their UNI OGs, this VJ J1 OG is still meeting up and i am dam proud of us. Into our 3rd year and still surviving. There are just some friends you cant lose touch with.

2009-07-26T03:04:00.000-07:00

2009-07-19T04:38:00.001-07:00

3 days of book in and we are required to rate our peers. not very LOGical but well guess they cant blame me for having 20+ similar or rather identical comments for the many people i do not know yet. and in the greatest of all ironies, i find myself going for homecoming despite saying i was not interested at all to so many people but oh well i get to meet up with the 24ths whom i have not seen in ages. so many things to do so many time. i wish i booked out on friday =(

random random

2009-07-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

i caught obsessed today instead of the very awesome sequal to 20th century boys because i was tragically outvoted. at the end of the show, i must admit i was SCARED shit by the stalker girl and i finally understand how women are the most vicious creatures. in totally unrelated news, i just enjoyed a nice bowl of tauhui with pearls with soyamilk. and now that i am full, its time for bed

nostalgia?

2009-07-09T05:11:00.000-07:00

Headed down to SJI followed by VJ today, both were impromptu decisions. It was heartwarming to meet all the teachers who still remember you despite having taught you 7 years ago. The toilets finally got an upgrade, the need for lockers was finally seen by the school administration but other then these, everything remained the same. Still the same old SJI i left 3 years ago. The sec 1 kids reminded me so much of myself back then. The dark stairway at the old sec 1 block still do not have lights. The 'typical' sji trait is still pretty prevalent, the cheekiness and all. Even the cai fan uncle could remember us and he even gave us a discount. Of course the focus should not be on the discount. yanglaoshi mentioned something to us which i felt was very very true. Each batch, sji students will always come back to visit and when they are asked if there is that one thing they can take away from the 4 years in SJI, what would it be and somehow there can never be an answer. It is perhaps one of the intangibles or maybe the entire experience was a takeaway on its own. Whatever the case, it felt really awesome to walk past almost every teacher who you seem to know and vice versa.

At Vj, it was an entirely different story. For one, there was nothing to remind me of the life and fun i grew accustomed to in VJ. I then found out it was CTs. Collected my leaving cert, attempted to look for cook only to find out hes not in school already but i am used to disappointment so i guess another trip down is gonna come soon. But unlike in SJI, i walked past teachers, many of which i cant even recall their names and i definitely dont expect them to know me. It was great to have seen Mr Lum, the only teacher i met who taught and knows me but the first thing he said was oh i heard about you interview and alas, that made the resentment grow again but nevertheless i was glad for his concerns as he asked me about my plans and all. Despite the bad start when he first came in, at the end of A levels i think hes probably the best teacher we had in terms of teaching and also giving of advice.

At the end of 2 short trips, it made me realise that my prominence in VJ was nowhere near the level of that in SJI. In SJI, being a PSF and a UG leader practically made you a god. Most people will know you including the sec 1 kids and even teachers who have not taught you before would somehow know you. In VJ, all i have to be proud of is being a member of the Students' Council which if translated to a RJ context, is just another councilor which is not THAT impressive. I regret not trying to pick up another CCA thinking back. To be honest, not getting an invite back to college day was painful for me. Evidently i was under the false impression that contribution as an EXCO member was significant especially for council. I cant help but feel a tinge of jealousy when every VJ person in Delta wing is going back except for me and that is not a very comforting thought. Ok actually almost all but still! I might sound like i am very eager to stand out.This might be true, as being an extremely competitive individual since young, the prospect of trailing behind my peers is a position i never want to put myself into. But then again in SJI there was 1 Agung, in VJ, there are at least 50 of them so i guess this could be a reason why. At the end of the day further highlighted by the events of today, i do not feel i have made much of an impact in VJ or accomplished anything much. Yeah i made it to Mr Ho's scholarsheep group thing but so did another 100. And you wonder why i show no interest in going back for the homecoming dinner. But dont get me wrong i think i have said this before the experience was still awesome and the friends are wonderful but on an individual level, it wasnt that desirable. Just some thoughts i had on the way home...

oh yeah and just cause ara left a tag, heres a shoutout to all that his place is pretty awesome and the coziness more than makes up for the slightly ancient look to the place. =)

hardcore

2009-07-07T18:16:00.000-07:00

back from brunei. camp was run down but food was awesome. welfare was awesome. but the jungles sucked. rock climbing with 30+kg of load is not funny at all. after completing that climb, it didnt help that we were the only group who decided to be garang while the other groups chose to skirt around the knoll. wet and cold nights led to more that normal contact with my buddies but i guess i finally understand what it means to bond closer together in a very literal sense. i was so close to being quarantined for an extended period of time but thank god i managed to make it back. i cant imagine how it feels like to be isolated for another day. but overall, i think the experience was one that makes you feel accomplished but you definitely wont want to do it again. if what we did was only the tip of the iceberg then to all my infantry friends, though it offers zero consolation, it really sucks to be you.haha. many 'fond' memories. many occasions of holaning and falling down. many near death experiences of my mates dramatic enough with its reenactment worthy of a shot at hollywood. so that signals the end of my brunei adventure and one thing is for sure, i wil rather shoot myself then go back there again for training. and now my next adventure at kranji camp awaits me. but for now, a week long block leave so please ask me out people!

my bags are packed and i am ready to go

2009-06-28T05:44:00.000-07:00

off to sunny wet brunei. goodbye singapore for the next 9 days or so!

heres my favorite commercial on tv now just before i go

the delta experience

2009-06-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

Own it, live it, DELTA. This phrase perhaps didnt make much sense at the start of my OCS life in Delta Wing, but yesterday i understood what it meant. 14 weeks has given me a sense of belonging in Delta. i will miss my bunk, being the biggest and at the far end of the level. i will miss my buddy for the random singing and bitching. i will miss the sluts of the platoon. i will miss my sji bros who will stay in delta. i will miss the times when the platoon imitates me though its bloody irritating at times.i will miss the instructors each for their unique brand of teaching. heck i will miss everyone in delta and all the times we went through. i might even leave a space in my heart for the man who gave us hell in CLM. because at the end of these 14 weeks, it turned out to be a pretty awesome experience. the next 5 months will be so different before we come back to SAFTI again. Till then, the next phase of my officership training awaits me. though i am pretty neutral about my posting, i will continue to do my best and by mid december, hopefully the entire platoon will stand strong and commission together.i will always remember this first platoon and how we always were different and how we always seemed to rock. because deep down despite the tough times, i really enjoyed myself thoroughly.

2009-06-25T04:53:00.000-07:00

social night was cancelled because of unforseen circumstances. and i was forced to report sick for a slight fever which went down almost immediately so i got to eat leftovers. today i came home to find out my laptop hdd crashed and i need to pay 150 to fix everything. nabei in 2 days i lost 250 bucks essentially. fml really

2009-06-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

'the past is history, the future is a mystery and today is a gift, that is why it is called the present'. but is what is happening today always a gift? why do so many people look forward to the future then if they are happy with what they have. i have learned in recent weeks that when you think you are in the worse shithole you can possibly in, someone will always be in a shitcrater facing worse than what you are facing. nevertheless, its not consoling to have things not go your way in almost every aspect. i have been spending quite abit of time with my family during this exceptionally long weekend and i guess knwing that your family is always behind you in every decision you make however worried it might make them is really heartwarming. been talking to my parents about the bad streak i am going through and how we discuss the possible options i have made me realise that they can give me the advice i need too. to be honest i have never really dicussed much with my family unless it requries their signature. i prefer to make choices on my own and it has been the case ever since i was a kid. i guess its never too late to make the family's opinion a bigger part in my decision making.

social night is coming up on wednesday and its pretty boring from what i hear from the other wings but oh well. if i get to signals and thats a huge if, i will be departing for brunei as early as the coming sunday.it seems fun minus the JCC the infantry men go through so there is reason to look forward to it. and by the time i get back, it will be block leave. so many things to look forward to especially the very well deserved break in my opinion from the past 3 1/2 months of training. having said this, so is the present really that awesome? i guess its a tough call for anyone unless you life is perfect now and it becomes a no brainer. life sucks but i guess not sucky enough to keep me wallowing in self-pity for too long. after all i have more or less survived service term. 2010 better come quick because i am all ready to kickstart everything in 2010

2009-06-13T21:51:00.001-07:00

Live firing was awesome.We chionged for 1 hour before having massive lepak for the next 4 hours. It was pretty fun, talking about anything with the platoon mates. I remember my first post after entering OCS filled with that air of pessimism about the next 3 months. Well i believe it is high time i took those words back because what i judged in the first 3 weeks is flawed after the passing of 3 months with these guys. The past 2 weeks where the tempo of training was comparatively lower than the other weeks, i started to really talk to so so many people whom i never got the chance to know before. it is a little unfortunate that quite a number of them are deferring to pursue their dreams of being doctors or going to the top schools for their education. But theres always facebook and msn i guess.

Next week is going to be our scorpion king after it got postponed the previous time. Having been in a perma man mode the past 12 weeks, i was given the appointment of being the PS for our defense mission. so good luck to me and from what i hear, the job is going to be tough.4 days without sleep will surely add more pimples to the already infested face of mine. Maybe the joke about having red camouflage about some guy didnt turn out to be so funny after all and god is punishing me or somthing. Ah well. I guess i am also pretty much remaining in delta wing for the next 6 months based on what i see and hear.

Social night is coming very soon too and other then the location, it is something to look forward to. i happen to know most of the dates the delta dudes are bringing so i guess its gonna be pretty awesome minus the fact that its going to be some RJ homecoming but its okay. we can have our own VJ corner or something.Was watching the national school championships encore telecast thing and they were broadcasting the VJ soccer semi matches. I actually kinda miss match support and how all the girls would go hysterical when a chance to score comes along. College match support will always be more special than any other kind of match support and this is probably why college bball games in US are even broadcasted on ESPN.

highlight of the day

2009-06-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

me:in a high kneel position we can get up and run faster than in a sitting position
hl:how can you run faster like this(refers to running on knees)

hahahahhahahahahahahahah

2009-06-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

Dad:"the guard looked dam surprised when i said picking up my son from delta wing"

i was surprised too that we booked out at no later than 7 pm today. so much for no welfare.but then its an off in lieu. but i am not complaining.2.5 weeks to grad march and 2.5 weeks more to know if i get to be speeding through skills or fighting in the jungle the next 6 months.

2009-05-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

so scorpion king is gonna be postponed for us all. which is extremely good news to me at least. after the events of 2 days ago, i dont see how the wing is going to survive it. witnessed some extreme fighting spirit on friday from some of my mates and am dam proud of them for making it through the 'surprise' 16km route march.

met up with my long lost slut brother javier yeo yesterday after something liek 2 1/2 months. time passes so quickly i cant believe its already going to be the middle of year.caught terminator salvation and contrary to the ' great action but not much of a plot' quoted by aravind kumarr, i thought it was awesome. but aravind and i cant agree on much anyway. the events of 1 jan 2008 proved that =p

you know how most people have things to look forward to. i was just having a conversation with chiaxinhui and i realise the only thing i am looking forward to is dec 12 which is the day i commission if i even commission and army life isin the most awesomest thing to happen to me in life. my short term goal is essentially 6 months later. what a joke.i also probably made myself out to be the biggest loser to the person i try to impress the most. aye WTF man. i never felt more loserish in my life. i am not wallowing in self-pity that theres almost nothing to look forward to this year. in all honesty the year has been pretty sucky. family, education, personal everthing seems to be going wrong and everything seemes to have changed so much since i enlisted. well some things remain constant. cleveland cavaliers still remain the biggest underachievers in the NBA. they lost again at conference finals. oh and arsenal once again signed a 15 year old kid. so 10 more years before he becomes a star by which i will be 29. wohoo

2009-05-23T19:45:00.001-07:00

i am not much of a fan of sci-fi movies but star trek was really good. enough romance/action/thrills and pretty much of all the stuff the critics are saying. after the show and within 3 minutes of trying on a shirt, i bought it. please tell me i am not being a spendthrift in this climate of economic downturn and what have you. but then again i am doing my part as a consumer to boost the aggregate demand. speaking of which i miss lessons and learning about all these econs stuff. which actually brings me to my next point. on whether i should just heck care and accept fass. part of me really want to do something more than just graduate with a degree from fass. but passion over practicality? i dont even know which i will choose.

nightbird is coming up with an awesome 16km route march followed by scorpian king and of course theres gonna be ippt. i dont even know if i can get that gold or survive 2 consecutive fieldcamps. my right leg is already half destroyed. numbness in thighs for the past 4 months and now coping with an ailing knee. wtf man. i dont even know if i can survive service term let alone ocs.i really hope i dont stay in the infantry. ch offers no consolation in telling me passing my soc and getting gold for ippt is half the battle won to stay in the infantry.talking to wg and lucas last night, their lives seem so good. 2 more weeks to POC(not even a parade) then they are gonna go off and lead slack lives in army for the next 20 months. but i am a high achiever, sometimes perhaps so much so i become an underachiever. it is a worrying trend that all the goals i have set for myself as of now seem such a long shot. scholarship, studies overseas. what i have now-a scholarship board which toyed with me for the past 4 months before telling me its so unfortunate they cant schedule me for an interview. _l_. a teacher which cocked my application and now trying to make ammends. somehow they are inter-related and do you think saying sorry after you screwed me actually helps? to be honest i was so dam pissed off last week and i am so tempted to start an entire flaming post but its almost lunchtime and i am hungry so this story can wait till 2years later if i am still in this sorry state i am in now.

damn this post wasnt supposed to evoke so much emotions within me but somehow it did.

2009-05-17T00:29:00.000-07:00

back from the wilderness. witnessed mates collapsing from heat or pure exhaustion. had some good bonding with the instructors. had some ghostly encounters. saw this effing huge wild boar which took 4/8 of my section's combat rations. god blessed me and my food was intact after the raid from the wild boar. had to dig a ridiculous shell scrape which i stayed in for a grand total of 2 hours in 2 nights.but yes i survived it. some say it was not as bad as expected, but for me it was the worst shit i ever experienced in army so far in terms of how shagged out i felt after it. but nevertheless i am glad i survived.

its gonna be week 9/14 this week and our service term is ending soon(i think). the sispec dudes are enjoying their nice block leave. i am so envious but heck, i look at my pay and i can smile so i am happy.

went through quite a disappointing week in terms of uni admissions and scholarship stuff and i am perhaps feeling the same way as XD. but oh well may next year be a better year for my academics.

there are so many shows coming up soon which i will die for to watch. one movie each week. thats gonna be my motivation for the next 5 weeks before we finally end service term with an awesome block leave of 2 weekdays and 2 weekends. I am so happy!

2009-05-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

Swine Flu or the influenza H1N1 as it is now better known and renamed amongst the doctors, has found its way to Asia with 1 confirmed case in Hong Kong. Based on what i last heard, he transited in Shanghai on his way to Hong Kong, resulted in interaction with 600 other people thereby causing reasons for high alert in China. The whole crux of the problem though lies with the fact that Mexico's healthcare system is seriously lacking in efficiency(if it even exists). The fact that the first death from swine flu or the now renamed influenze H1N1 came from Mexico and the first case could have occured as early as March means that Mexico pretty much screwed the world if this ever becomes a pandamic. However, swift actions on the part of the WHO and the various health ministries in countries such as Japan and Singapore, may help in curbing this pandamic and prevent it from reaching these areas. Having said this though, a faster way of detection needs to be found as the virus is most lethal and spreads to others even before symptons can be detected amongst the carriers. In simple layman terms, you can shit even before you fart.

Having said so much, you must be wondering why i care so much about this. After all, I am a simple NSF serving my nation as an officer to be in a camp on the other end of the island who is going to embark on a 10 day expedition to a sunny island across the sea tomorrow. The reason is simple, we now need to MARCH back to wingline from the entrance of SAFTI and the distance is MOTHER SHIT ASS FAR SO screw you mexico and thanks for spreading swine flu.

on a totally different note, i thought xmen was so nice that i had to hold my pee for 1 hour along with XD before rushing off for the longest pee we ever had.

just random

2009-04-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

i was asked to blog
to keep a weekly log
but i dont wanna slog
army already treats me like a dog

but i shall oblige anyway
because i know on any other day
this computer i wont get to play
and on the dusty table it will lay

so i went out with the class
a dinner at a place of not much class
but not to an extent we ate grass
and in a long time i took a bus

we went to watch taken
where shek claims the guy is god given
perhaps even more than shay given
in the end he turned out to be pretty driven

i dint really think its fantastic
it did not make me go ecstatic
neither did it make me orgasmic
in fact his skills level was abit ridic

next week is gonna be labour day
thinking of it makes me gay
but for now the future remains grey
what if i get extra on that day

its with regret i end this song
without so much as a gong
but coming out wont be too long
5 days more if i dont do wrong

wtf i am gay

2009-04-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

i happened to watch paris hiltons quest for bff on mtv. dont judge me i am tv deprived and i just watch what i can. so anyway see the pic above. shes some contestant on the show and i thought she had quite a nice asia look and quite pretty. only one problem though. she a freaking guy. =.= there was a convo where she/he/it said i am thankful to be here as one of two guys and be given the chance to be your BFF. i think i am gay. someone shoot me. my life is over

2009-04-18T02:12:00.001-07:00

owned during law interview. no surprises considering i had 0 time to prepare. then again i dont think it would have mattered. this time tomorrow i will packing to go back to camp. oh boy the elation. the joy. it just cannot be explained.

the ocs adventure

2009-04-10T00:14:00.000-07:00

3 weeks might seem like a long time but for me, OCS has only just begun. In the past 3 weeks i have undergone a HUGE culture shock from the transition in BMT to OCS, learned to gobble down food in record time without suffering from indigestion, did activities that pushed my physical limits all the way, made to rush and rush and rush and in the middle finally got my ippt gold. To be honest i am not entirely confident if i can pull through the next 8 months. However i am glad that in delta wing, i see many familiar faces around and thats what keeps me going. thanks xd and chin hao for being the ever present sji bros in my platoon that will always be there to make me laugh and make me thankful for these great friends i made in sji. theres also shaun ware who has gone on to air wing. sounds gay but i was really dam happy you were in my oppostite bunk. was really dam sad when you had to go because you were the one i hung around the most during CLM and i will always remember the lazing around in my bunk with jared and andrew while everyone else were doing or packing stuff. theres also ong heng yang my great bro since sec 1 for visiting me everyday when i am feeling alienated due to the lack of buddy or any other reason and talking some cock(alot actually) to make me laugh. chun han for being there for me to talk to unless hes on the phone during meals on any random thing. even ben neo wei ming. for someone whom i have only known for 2 months in VJ last year, we acn relate so well like long lost friends. and of course theres also edmund who is always there for me to talk cock with. I think i have undergone a rollercoaster ride of emotions these past 3 weeks. from being miserable one day to being cheerful on another to feeling the worst i ever did and i was even brought to tears yesterday. OCS is definitely not all fun and games. they are god dam serious on making us the best. the regimentation, the training, the discipline. Putting the shit from yesterday behind, i think i am firmly ready to recover from it and push on. I am glad for good instructors who know when to pick you up when your morale is so low. but most importantly, i am so glad for the friends in delta wing. Admittedly, i dont feel i can relate well to anyone in the platoon other than those i already know for various reasons. Hopefully this will change in the upcoming weeks. We are told the road ahead will only be tougher. So wish me luck and to all my friends on this OCS adventure with me, we can and we will see this through.

because our spirit is forever more

2009-04-09T20:57:00.001-07:00

i am so god dam bloody freaking hell shit ass mother HAPPY that i am home!

2009-03-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

my time now is 2235. in about 10 hours time i will find myself back in military life and sorely missing this wonderful bumming life i have enjoyed the past 10 days. I think I spent this block leave pretty well and i got to meet up with almost all my different groups of friends.

and now my new adventure awaits me-OCS.

2009-03-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

today as i was reading through my scholarship application forms(already submitted), i realised that there were 2 gross grammatical errors. WTF x10000000000000000000000000000 and as i cleverly submitted it without checking the other parts other then the essay section, i am pretty much screwed. i forgot about the top section which i filled in LAST year and am dam sian now. i hope they at least give me an interview and forgive my genuine oversight though if i were the interviewers i will not hesitate to just reject that application. ARGHHHHHHH. and by the way i am freaking dam pissed with the coordinator for students who wish to apply to UK. i paid the money but my application is no where near to submission and with most(in fact all) my friends receiving replies already, i can safely assume there will be a close to 0% chance of me getting a place in UK let alone LSE. maybe i can be faulted for not going down to school to hunt him down(actually i did on a level results day) enough but still. ayeeee. so dam freaking bloody pissed

2009-03-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

life is filled with so many surprises. found out some surprising things over the last few days. some not that unexpected some just shot through me like a 76mm caliber bullet(forgive me i am an army boy)

life is filled with weird moments. i saw ian shan at NUS open house. i said hi to him. in front of him were 2 guys. both said eh wayne from sgps. i looked at them and i had no recollection of their names. one was familiar the other i couldnt remember. i tried to be funny and played the guess your name game. i think it didnt work. thank god ian ended the awkwardness by saying they will make a move first. just for the record i now know their names. they are jonathan and daniel. yay!

life is filled with unpredictability. at 2040, man united and liverpool kicked off. at 2240 the score read man u 1-4 liverpool this is probably the most shocking news for me since the time when i heard angelina jolie was gay. only problem is she never was gay but you get the idea

life is filled with ups and downs. arsenal finally showed me why i love them so much. i met up with many people whom i have not seen for such a long time. however things at home have not been going too good but i am hoping its only temporary.

life is filled with uncertainty. i am eagerly awaiting my next posting which can be anywhere. i am also waiting for psc to call me which they have not done yet. i am also applying to NUS but i do not know if i can do what i want.

life is filled with songs that depict how you feel and i think thats just amazing. and with that i end of a good post about life in the present for me.

POP and off we go

2009-03-12T21:27:00.001-07:00

As i depart from the extremely sunny island of tekong, a phase of my army life ends. yeah the vulgarities were creative, the screwing was senseless at times but ultimately i still felt cared for by my commanders(some of them at least). i had wonderful platoon mates whom i could have so many laughs with and i am so going to miss all of them especially my beloved sexion 2. A new adventure awaits, be it a unit, sispec, OCS. From there, it is where the real army life lies... I leave tekong with a heavy heart and truckload of memories. I know no matter where we all go we will do well because we are from gryphon coy GRYPHON COMPANY YA!

2009-03-05T07:20:00.000-08:00

小酒窝

我还在寻找一个依靠
和一个拥抱
谁替我祈祷替我烦恼
为我生气为我闹

幸福开始有预兆
缘分让我们慢慢紧靠
然后孤单被吞没了
无聊变得有话聊有变化了

小酒窝长睫毛是你最美的记号
我每天睡不着想念你的微笑
你不知道你对我多么重要
有了你生命完整的刚好

小酒窝长睫毛迷人的无可救药
我放慢了步调感觉像是喝醉了
终于找到心有灵犀的美好
一辈子暖暖的好
我永远爱你到老

幸福开始有预兆
缘分让我们慢慢紧靠
然后孤单被吞没了
无聊变得有话聊有变化了

小酒窝长睫毛是你最美的记号
我每天睡不着想念你的微笑
你不知道你对我多么重要
有了你生命完整的刚好

小酒窝长睫毛迷人的无可救药
我放慢了步调感觉像是喝醉了
终于找到心有灵犀的美好
一辈子暖暖的好
我永远爱你到老

小酒窝长睫毛迷人的无可救药
我放慢了步调感觉像是喝醉了
终于找到心有灵犀的美好
一辈子暖暖的好
我永远爱你到老

aye my section has got me real hooked on the song despite not hearing it before until now. it just gives the listener a good feeling and its quite meaningful. 6 mroe days to pop but i dont care about that now because RESULTS ARE OUT TOMORROW

so yes i am worried shit now. no swagger and confidence of predicting grades as i did for o levels. just hoping for the best. gonna meet so many people i miss dearly. my classmates, the gb sluts and my 2 favorite gal pals. hope tomorrow will be a good day for me and my friends

a memorable day

2009-02-27T08:13:00.000-08:00

1)drill competition
2)16 km route march
3)ass abrasion which hurts like no mother

2 more weeks to POP

2009-02-21T22:30:00.000-08:00

time really flies and i am only 2 more book outs away from my POP for BMT. the experience thus far has been pretty awesome. I have met many different kinds of people, the nice, the weird, the assholes, had my fair share of rifts with some of them but i guess when i pass out, BMT will nevertheless be an experience i wont forget. i think i probably irritated some people too in BMT but heck, you cant be loved by everyone.

so anyway caught up with a couple of the class people for movie and dinner. it was great meeting up with them again and i really miss all of them alot. from people you used to see 5 days a week to once every few weeks. the feeling is really very strange and there is that void which makes my desire to go back to school all so much stronger but i guess its a phase most go through. was also supposed to meet up with a couple of the council people but due to unforeseen circumstances i pangsehed. sorry about that guys and i will make it up to you all some other time.

my life lacks anything interesting now so i guess i will blog again when something interesting happens to me.

replies to tags(some very overdue)
dhil:haha yes i am working very hard on it =)
ch:haha different companies have different favorite vulgarities.lol.
javier:but i bu care =p
ian:haha i see someone is enjoying the army songs too like me
rishi:i am doing fine man thanks. you enlisting soon also already right. all e best man. and who says i am a vulgar boy. i am a refined guy who tries to make everyone happy =p

3 most popular vulgarities in the army

2009-02-06T04:17:00.000-08:00

1)eh f*ck you understand
2)balls to you
3)you all clusterf*ck there for what f*ck

yeah and they all dont make sense i know and i am determined not to bring vulgarities into my civilian life which explains the asterisk*

5 interesting facts about the army for me

2009-01-25T18:09:00.001-08:00

1)joel foo is my buddy!
2)there is an actor in my platoon(not wayang wayang but real mediacorp actor)
3)ben kang is also in my platoon(not very interesting though)
4)i love singing army songs
5)my ex platoon sergeant is apparently hl mama's senior

happy CNY everyone and for the army boys lets enjoy today because tomorrow we depart the mainland again!

life in the infantry

2009-01-23T03:56:00.001-08:00

In the early morning march
With my field pack on my back
With the aching in my heart
And my body full of sweat

I'm a long long way from home
And I miss my lover so
In the early morning march
When the cold wind blow

When the cold wind blow
When the cold wind blow
When the cold wind blow
When the cold wind blow

I know I know
You have to go
So hurry back home
Cause I miss you so

my favorite army song so far

cheeky cheeky!

2009-01-18T03:29:00.000-08:00

YO DAWGS! PHATTEST DAWGS IN TOWN, YO!
When da pimp's in da crib ma, drop it like its hawt, drop it like its hawt, drop it like its hawt.

WAYNE IS STILL IN TEKONG.
He will be back soon!(muscular and all haha)
:)

2009-01-07T07:43:00.000-08:00

BMT i am coming for you

the life of a victorian VI

2009-01-01T00:33:00.000-08:00

The end of orientation probably spelt the end of play for j2s. I cannot count how many times our extremely caring teacher Mrs Ting nagged at us for not being serious and etc. My H3 started and waiting for 2 hours everyweek after school for h3 to start was dumb. So was having tutorials in the lab. But thank god we managed to get the S and T centre eventually for our tutorials.

Time was whizzing by extremely fast and Vday was here! I used to think Vday was freaking gay if a guy celebrated it and did the stuffs girls do. Like write sweet little notes and giving gifts and spreading the love. AWWWW. So ya next thing i know i became gay when i wrote notes for my friends in the OG and class. I almost died doing it having to write in legible handwriting which severly hampered my progress but i guess showing my friends how much they meant to me was more than worth it.

CNY was also memorable because about 7 of us out of 25 went to school and also because of a fortune cookie i ate. And then CT1 came and gone and thats the end of term 1. 10 weeks gone in a glance.

About this time, we stared to have nominees in council. To be honest other then people in my batch, i dont have a junior whom i can relate to and call my good friend. Partly because my last experience of being supposedly close to a junior, that asshole backstabbed me. I will never forget that hurt and how close i came to tears as i thought about it . Till date the only person who can make me cry is my mother so to almost make me cry is one heck of an achievement. But amongst all my juniors i will definitely remember cheryl from RGS. 1)shes probabaly the only one from her school in VJ now and 2)her bubbly personality makes her a very ncie person to talk to. She was my mortal and for the first time in a while, she was a junior i felt that i could stay in contact with. But sadly, i dont have her msn nor her handphone number so its abit difficult to do so. But nevertheless she was the bridge for me and the juniors and if you happen to read this cheryl, i wish you all the best for your event musicfest next year and make the best out of your council journey because you will go through something like this once in your lifetime. I enjoyed having you as my mortal.

One thing i learned about leadership in secondary school is that it is a maxima curve. There will come a time where it will peak before it declines. For some, the maximum never comes because you will always push so hard that you will always improve and the peak never comes. For others it comes and you suddenly lose all motivation for your cause. Admittedly, for me in 2008, council was becoming less of a priority for me mainly because our main events were over and what was left was initiatives. There was so much i wanted to achieve and do but sadly time did not permit. I found it frustrating to have meetings because more than half my committee have different H3s on everyday of the week. Putting meetings at 630 pm will probably lead to ineffective meetings while on weekends, i never believe in work on a weekend because i think we all deserve a break from school and enjoy the weekends. Meetings never had full attendance and plans just failed for various reasons. I remember talking to binti about this and the sudden lack of motivation and i sincerely want to thank her for understanding and her advice not as a boss but as a friend. I forgot what you told me actually lol but i remembered it made me push hard to get the feedback session going. That of course was not the greatest success but i am glad that i went through with it and maybe the future batches can develop and make it a more prominent thing for FECO.

I also remember in the midst of all these, i had my second H3 test. I did quite well in the first one so i had reasons to be positive. But on the day of my test, i was a retard again and immediately regretted my actions. So much that I did not give a damn about the test. It didnt help when i got a mental block and i got 16% for it. 6% more than what i expected so i guess i should be happy. I also recall going back to school bloody emo because i know i totally screwed myself in that test and it also happened to be council farewell organised by the juniors.emo + emo= EMO and that day was pretty memorable. Every test counted by the way.

Money was being spent from attending concerts. Most of my friends are from the performing arts and thus there was a slight obligation to support them. I enjoyed dance tremendously because it was the first time i ever watched a dance concert and it was really good in my opinion. Choir was booring because to me after a while, the songs sounded the same =.= Guitar was pretty awesome. Due to the hole in my pocket that was starting to become bigger, i was not able to go for band concert(sorry xh hl sk) even though band is my first love amongst all the performing groups. Seeing my friends perform on stage made me feel so jealous and not for the first time, i felt such a strong urge to be back in band and performing once again.

2009-01-01T00:26:00.000-08:00

1-1-2009

7 more days to enlistment =.=

I was clearing my drawer when i found alot of photos of my OG. Then i remembered i was supposed to give them to my OG kids.LOL

the life of a victorian V

2008-12-28T09:33:00.001-08:00

As mentioned, the new year meant a new beginning for me with a new set of goals and i recall setting some resolutions. The climax of my holidays coincinded with the start of OGL stuff for me. I really wanted to be an OGL ever since the last orientation and this thus explained the excitement and anticipation for orientation to arrive for me. Spending almost half the holidays in china meant that i was not involved much for banner painting etc. Nevertheless i arrived in time and participated in the trial run of games and it will definitely be the highlight of any OGL training.

I recall angel describing how it was so interesting to call people up and tell them about orientation and how she tried to derive how the people will look like. She made it sound so exciting and interesting. How wrong i was when i got to call them up. I remember the first night i called, only 1 picked up =.= and if i remember correctly it was Rina. I found no pleasure in trying to imagine how they will look like(my og kids)

But anyway, the first day of school will somehow always be so exciting for me. I recall not being able to sleep the night before and thinking so much about the next few days and orientation. Maybe its just the whole idea of school which is the cliche second home that makes people like me so eager to go back to school. Or it could be the lower expenditure when one is in school. For secondary 4, the first day of school was orientation camp and i remembered going to school at a ridiculous time of 645 am. This time it was a less ridiculous time of 7 am but it was still freaking early for me. The theme was VICTORIAN KNIGHTS and thus we decorated the entire school in knightish themed stuff. I remembered doing the weaponry with edmund jiayi and camille. We were happy with what we have done i must add and i sitll have a few shots of us and our 'artwork' on my computer. I arrived in school shattered however to find our hard work in a mess. The wind was stronger than the double sided tape and we needed to re-paste everything again.

Registration soon begun and time flew by so quickly and i finally got to meet up with my OG kids. Perhaps it was the high expectations i had for an OG due to the large success of IRHUMBA as an OG but for me, I initially hoped to see a little bit of life in the OG like how mine was but unfortunately it was not really the case.

To be honest i think i was pretty MIA as an OGL. Because of my other duties like game mastering etc, i sorta neglected my OG. Games are by far the best way to bond people and the fact that i was not that with them for that meant i missed the chance to bond with them. To further compound the problems, i had a pretty quiet OG and a few who made disappearing acts. So yeah the excitement and highness level was so low that the most high people all the time was me and sharon and tina who crashed our OG at times mostly for the outings. The combined dinners of the OG was always domintaed by OGLs rather than OG kids but i know it would be due to parents as i remember for me, i went through the same thing.

To me sea regatta meant no one gets out dry. Same to the other OGLs present.So when the whistle blew for the start of it, splashes could be heard all around. Howver a teacher came scolding us about dunking 2 minutes into sea regatta, and it sort of lost its fun. Of course there were those who didnt care. I for one know because straight after he left, i was dunked by the crashers from my class =.= To make things sadder, i think i had more fun in sea regatta than my OG kids did and that is in theory impossible. I remember half the OG being dry and i really felt like i failed as an OGL beacuse i was not able to transmit the highness i had to them. But i realise people are just different.For IRHUMBA as far as i can remember we ended up dunking each other rather then play what we thought was boring games. While for VAGABOND we prefered to be task oriented and finish the games up quickly.

But thinking back i know it is unfair to compare OGs like this. Being an OGL might not have been the greatest success for me but i know that with the other council stuff we did for O1, i did my part in making sure the freshmen had a wonderful orientation.

ALl in all, the second orientation experience was definitely not one that i was entirely happy with. I had my fun but the inability to make my OG have the same fun will always be nagging at the back of my head as i look at the OG photos we took.

Following O1, I still remember how high the OGLs in the class were with me sh and xh still shouting random cheers as we walk to classes for the next week. I will remember the infamous frame when i was made scapegoat when jermyn shouted explosion during lecture. Because the explosion thing was my idea for the cheer,everyone assumed it was me. It did not help that i was beside jermyn at that time. But those were good times and such moments will definitely be hard to forget.

the life of a victorian IV

2008-12-26T22:13:00.000-08:00

For me the 2nd half of the year of 2007 wasn't at all great. In fact it sucked. For one we had exams and i am unable to bring myself to dont study for an exam. Yes i deserve the model student award for placing importance on all examinations. So with the horrors of the almost month long O'level examinations rather fresh in my mind still, i had to cope with mid years partly to keep my scholarship cause i needed to pass everything to do so.

I remember how i was being such an oversensitive retard like some girl and making so much out of nothing and in the process had the first fight. I remembered how a simple CIP became such a day to remember. But eventually things became better so it was all happy once again. Although thinking back, i was really such a lame shit ass retard like more than the usual retard i can be.

One of the highs for me was definitely Renaissance GOLD. For me, band was my life. i ate band shit band talked band for 4 great years and i missed playing my trumpet so much it was like denying drug addicts their crack. So when the chance came to play for the alumni there was no hesitation. Because of the night pracs i dunno how many times i got scolded by my parents because in my previous 17 years of existance, reaching home after 10 on a school night was ridiculous and unthinkable. So yes 9 out of 10 practices i received numerous phone calls on the bus home to ask me where i was. i dont deny, i was bloody pissed and irritated.

But it was all worth it. Playing in the NUS cultural centre on that day and with our good ole conductor leading us. it felt like the golden years of SJIMB all over again. I was back in my familiar seat on the extreme end of the stage left. We played badly but heck we all had fun. Caught up with the batchmates and my desire to be back in SJI and not in JC got even stronger.

The highlight of my june hols though other than the pleasant mugging was definitely CLIC camp.It started off cool enough as i got to know another wayne,phoebe,ming hwei,yee jek,benjamin,may and the first few days were definitely fun with all the games and all. then may and phoebe sorta left for lit trip and for the bash night which was supposed to be the highlight of the entire camp, became kinda booring. we lost the 2 most self high girls u can find and our skit was pretty sucky although i must admit most of the lame stuff was my idea.haha.nevertheless i got to know more people through the camp which was the intention of the camp and i left the camp knowing how to be a better leader.

At the same time, council was becoming intense because of open house. Suddenly i was so busy. i began to struggle to catch up tutorials. I started to read notes and not get them the first time. I actually struggled with Maths. I made the biggest mistake in my life and tried for UCLES Maths H3 and got owned like a sad noob. I learned absolutely nothing and i think it was partly because i did not bother to make the effort. I remembered just wasting time there talking rubbish with Shane.

Then to add more shit to the shit pile i was already in my mum found out why i made more detours after school and the scolding she gave me made me feel so guilty i really wanted to die. with the weight of expectations on my shoulders, i knew i could not afford to screw up my life which equated to A levels at that point of time. This burdon would continue to be on my shoulders throughout my J2 life.

Being the inexperienced noob i was, the best way to solve anything is to avoid. Thinking back, i was really such a huge bastard that i deserved to be stoned on the streets for doing what i did. I was facing some retarded internal struggle which not many would experience. The guilt became even more immense when i found out that i got over it rather easily when a new crush came my way. I could not tell anyone this because i was really such an asshole. it did not help when i stared to find the wide disparity in personalities which made it so much easier to get over.

It was on XD's birthday party when i finally told a friend about this. He tried to console me but i know deep down i was at fault. For the next 5 months i did not tell a single soul about it.I never discussed the issue with that friend ever again. I just wanted it to go away. I was so distracted by this admittedly at that time that i had no mood to study for promos and of all my exams, my promo results were the worst in my JC life.

Till today, one of my greatest regrets will be not patching things up fully with you. The friendship that was lost because of this is something i know will never be salvaged. Sure we had talks and all but the level of friendship we enjoy now will never be close to half of the closeness we used to share even if only as good friends.

In a way i was glad when school hols came about. i was gonna be off to china for a month away from everyone and when you dont see you dont feel. I am so glad that i spent almost my entire hols, the times when i was in singapore with wg and javier. we went out on crazy frequencies of 3-4 times a week. plus the almost daily msn convos and gb sessions which became a neccissity to fill that childish void in us, i cant count the number of days we did not interact during the hols. I am glad for having them because they are the 2 dudes who can make me laugh so much and really enjoy spending so much time with.

I recall the random emo posts on my blog last year during school hols and how truely stupid i felt for feeling the way i did. but i was determined never to show how i felt in person.

i was determined to start of 2008 much better and not be distracted by anything other than my bid for 5 As. and i entered 2008 on a rather happy note having spent a quality christmas with my friends and had parties which i enjoyed so much.

the life of a victorian III

2008-12-16T01:32:00.000-08:00

As mentioned in the previous part, i made the toughest decision of my life till date, rather one that i did not make. Choosing to stay in VJ over RJ was perhaps THE one and only time i will make such a difficult decision. So much to weigh, so much to consider, so many opinions to seek. i asked for advice from people aged 15 to 70. i remember the disappointment on my grandad's face when he found out i decided not to go RJ in the end. But nevertheless 2 years on, i am glad i did not make the move. i am really glad for all the opportunities that i have enjoyed in VJ and i am very sure its something i will not get to experience as a 2nd intaker in RJ. in a way i am glad they are scraping the 2 intakes rubbish for my sis year. because it removes the unfair advantage that a first intaker has in holding a leadership position etc in any cca.like it or not the first intakers always have an advantage in CCA related stuff.

With the 2nd intakers all settled in, it was really time to work and no more play. We were introduced to this amazing subject Project Work.A masterstroke by the ministry some may consider and definitely so by MOE themselves as evident from http://www.moe.gov.sg/education/programmes/project-work/."Project Work is a learning experience which aims to provide students with the opportunity to synthesise knowledge from various areas of learning, and critically and creatively apply it to real life situations. This process, which enhances students’ knowledge and enables them to acquire skills like collaboration, communication and independent learning, prepares them for lifelong learning and the challenges ahead." The dawn of a new era. The development of our future leaders. The start of something new. The rising sun over the fading horizons. That was what PW intended to bring to us all.

But alas nothing could beat the elation, the celebration of the seniors when they heard we were going to be handed our PW question paper in the following week. Being the caring supportive seniors they were, they felt it was essential to showcase the Victorian spirit by cheering as vigorously as they would when mr Chan announced a full day.I swore there were even a few cheeky shouts for full day to celebrate this great day for the j1s. "Rubbish","waste time" were one of the kinda remarks i heard about PW from my seniors. Such is the amazing effect of peer pressure, i started to grow a dislike of PW even before i knew who was in the group. Sarcasms aside however, i might be one of the few who say this but i really enjoyed my PW experience although the end results were screwed up.

When Mrs Chan mentioned somethign about dynamics and balance in choosing the PW group for us, i thought it was pretty funny because i was on good speaking terms with every single one of my group mates and thus it was pretty strange to 'learn' to work together when we got along very well already. So the PW adventure begun. What started off as laming sessions at kian mao's place watching retarded videos and movies for long hours to playing PES to playing O2 Jam soon became a race against time to meet deadlines. Time allocation was clearly not in our blood and more often than not we went home doing more things than during the meetings but this is the PW experience we all enjoy.

The most dramatic moment in our PW life was during the period of submission of our WR where 2 weeks before final submission, we realised(the teachers realised) that our entire format was to put it kindly totally messed up. So yeah we were as screwed as 2 prostitutes in geylang and we were all confused not knowing what was the best thing to do. Eventually we got our composure back and managed to salvage it all. Perhaps our mistake was not being focused and playing too much. Our project from the comments lacked depth and to be honest when i found out i got a B i wanted to die. B was unthinkable for me. Yes a B was not a C but it is also not an A. The thing about people trying to console you is that they try to let you see there are others worse off than you but for me i prefer to see things such that if people could get As why couldn't I. And yes the PW blow engulffed me for a full week before i was ready to pick myself up and tell myself i wont make the same mistake for the rest of A's but aye we know all about the papers who got.

Nevertheless the PW chapter in my life is another aspect of JC education i wont forget. Having a ridiculous long break in the afternoon before going back to school for PW session everyweek was lame but the lunches were good. Good money if good =alot was spent on food. And i would like to think that friendships grew stronger throughout the experience. So yes i will remember the amazing linguistic abilities of kian mao. the no nonsense of jomaine aka taima. the fast typing of huiqing(although still losing out to km cause no one can beat him in typing i think). the enthusiasm marcus brings. because deep down we did make a good team.

the life of a victorian Il

2008-12-05T09:25:00.000-08:00

The conclusion of the supposed honeymoon period of the first coincided with the period where i officially joined council. The decision to join council was definitely one that made me think for quite a while. Having spent 4 years in a military band, I was perhaps sure if not foolish to think that band in VJC will not be the same. I think this sentiment was shared by my friends in other schools like the fat thing deyong who quit band after a few days(or was it 1?) after deciding it felt different. The next option for me was to join a sport. Other then my brief stint in badminton in sgps(2 years actually before i quit) i had not much exposure to sports in school. Floorball intruiged me and i was really tempted to join it. However, with much of the sji dudes joining hockey and floorball being dominated by cath high, i was perhaps a little insecure with the prospect of joining a cca without someone i knew. who was going to help me? who was going to guide me as i was a HUGE noob? i remembered going for kayak training with shaun and shaun but all 3 of us left after 1 training. I was perhaps not too ready for the intense training the canoeist went through. Eventually, the floorball idea was also scrapped because i decided jc was the time to try and stand out and i did not want to waste 2 years rotting in the reserves and not get a chance to play. Perhaps pride played a part and i did not want to be a nobody and i dont doubt my ability and my willingness to improve, but there comes a time to realise that you are not cut out for something and sports was definitely not my forte at competition level that is.

With a little tinge of unwillingness perhaps at that point as my OGLs were keen to make sure that i knew SC were the saikang warriors of the school and that i must know what i was getting myself into, i still decided to hand in the application on the last day. And then, the council journey begun. 7 of us ran for council in the class. We were dubbed the sexy 7 and i believe i have one of the posters we put up somewhere at home. Campaigning was not as interesting as compared to how the seniors did it assuming they didnt lie of course. URSA seemed an awesome house because of the sheer number of nominees we had. I was happy that agung the only person i respected in SJI in the batch, hsuan te the crazy dude which i had a crazy fun time as part of the PSFs and aravind who was my classmate in SJI and in VJ decided to run too. We made our first apperance on stage one fine assembly and did a cool cheer to make ourselves heard. However, this was once again disrupted by the release of Olevel results and for the 2nd time, i bade farewell to dominic and yujie who were 2 people that i could talk to. Awhile before this, we had our speeches. I remebered how i tried to make people remember me by making each letter of my name a positive adjective. it was something like wonderful amiable yellow-pages never-ending enthusiastic if i recall correctly. Elections followed speeches and unfortunately one of us didnt make it in the class but thats life i guess. so there it was then the 37 of us all ready to make an impact and show the school what we were capable of.

The first event the elects had to handle was Orientation 2 and i volunteered to be a baby red shirt. Cheering and school spirit was something i had in abundance and my experience as being the bastard yelling at every small thing in SJIMB made cheering and making myself heard such an easy task. In band, it was easy to see who were the leaders in the band but in council it was so different. Everyone was a someone and held leadership position in secondary school. We had head prefects,deputies, band majors(okay thats me lol), sports captains and it was really a gathering of leaders. I remember being obsessed with the famed mat beat of VJC and by the end of the week i heard it, i could do the synchronised movement of both my arms to the beat. I embarrassed myself totally on the first day of cheering as i was supposed to introduce the mat beat but i made a total mess of it. I also remember the sudden disappearance of large numbers of the crowd by mid-day and the usual O2 disappearing act failed to disappoint. By March, the elects were relatively prominent in school no thanks to the HUUUUUUUGE blue tags we wore.i fondly recall the picture i had on it which was probably the most UGLY photo i took in my life. i remeber being dam annoyed on that day and i just gave a WTF face while the nice lady took the photo.

random comments aside, council was really an interesting experience for me although not entirely new. the next activity i was involved in was the council investiture. it was really a biiiig thing because who would want to mess up their stepping up?worked well with the adhoc and some of them became one of my better friends in school. next we went through the usual training camp for all elects and i got to bond with the best group on earth EZALOR with great caring facils in shu xie/hua and beertini. Following that shortly was the selection of the presidential nominees.we all know what happened next. dhilshad whom i refer to as binti became our boss(deservedly in my opinion i must add) and there it begun. the transition to full fledged councillors. there came the choosing of committees. like my decision to choose VJ over RJ, the choice of feco over reco was one that was really hard for me to make. having to give up what i enjoyed doing along with seperating from those i had slowly became close to amongst the baby red shirts. in fact i think i was the only one who left the baby red shirts after this =/ however at the same time i knew openhouse was what i wanted to do and it was the main attraction for me in council. i made the move and found myself in a committee i grew to love eventually.

i am always proud of the fact that my committee was one of those to be bonded first. however, it is sad for me that is that what seemed like an unbreakable bond initially is actually not that great. through time and especially after we stepped down, feco seemed to have just disappeared. today i am still in contact with my committee members but the collective bond we used to have as one huge family is no longer there. or perhaps it was always foolish on my part to think that we were ever close? this and the whole concept of friendship in general became the pinnacle of deep discussions i had with some other friends like zh who shared the same sentiments.

happier things though, council for me would become one of the best things to happen to me.as individuals and not as committees, i grew to love hanging out with all of them and the many mass gatherings we had were really times to remember. The first event my committee handled was our interesting toilet campaign and from time to time, i would play the video and reminiscence the good old days. surprising to some since i am one who loves the limelight, i am actually not in the video.

and my jc life seemed to be going steady.nothing was going to ruin what i had for these first 5 months...